Lately a friend asked why I seem to have so much going on in
my life at once. First let me just say that facebook presents a false reality that
absolutely everyone is out having a fabulous life while we are home doing
laundry (and in fact I spend the majority of my Saturday nights home doing
laundry) but ultimately she’s right. I have had a lot going on lately because I am
saying yes to everything. And
here’s why.
The last few years, from 2010 on, were rough. My
challenges were so huge and overwhelming, I was on the verge of losing
everything. I endured a stressful, costly three-year court battle to save my dog, a restraining order on a violent and armed neighbor who threatened to kill
my husband, losing my grandson for a year and a half, household disasters that
cost us tens of thousands we didn’t have, and the list goes on. On top of that,
during this time both my writing and singing career seemed to be dying a slow
financial death. We were living on the edge of quiet desperation. Not knowing
where to go, I went within, and I wrote, and I read. One of the books I read was Lit by Mary Karr. Karr talked about being broken
down and broke in her own life, and how it forced her to her knees. Literally.
She began to pray every day, and miraculously her life turned around. In
addition to sobering up for the first time in her life, her first book, The
Liar’s Club, soon became a New York Times
bestseller. And things only got better from there.
Though I am a Baptist preacher’s daughter, my strongest
sense of religion is perhaps my devotion to the written word. Nature is the
only church I belong to. But finding myself at an all time low, I had nothing
to lose by following her lead.
I began praying every morning, and meditating, even if for a
few minutes. I didn’t know if I was doing it “right” by any dogmatic standards,
but I was sincere in my practice.
Aside from praying for my loved ones (and sometimes my
not-so-loved ones), I prayed to be my best self. I prayed for opportunity.
I prayed to be given the chance to do good work in the world. I vowed that if
opportunity was given to me, I would rise up to meet it. And I said thank you.
A lot. No matter how bleak things were, there was always something to say thank
you for. Months into this, what I previously considered my “luck” began to turn
around.
After a solid year of praying, I am blessed with meaningful
work. My dog has remained safely with me. My grandson came home. The violent
neighbor got evicted – on Christmas. We were even “gifted” a free
trip to Jamaica. Opportunities are coming my way right and left, so what else
can I do but say YES to everything? I would be crazy not to.
Are these answered prayers? I don’t know. I don’t presume to be evolved
enough to wrap my puny brain around the mystery of God. But what I do know is
that words have power. Stating my intention every day changed something. I also
observed that my days matched the energy I brought to them, and starting my day
in quiet contemplation definitely brought good energy.
I have no evidence that there was someone listening on the
other end of that cosmic line. The things I've experienced --gun violence, almost being killed in a fire, a catastrophic childhood, a father in prison -- sometimes made it hard for me to believe in any God, but my faith is stubborn. I have seen evidence of grace in my life. I have seen evidence of love, and of goodness. What else could God be but that?
So I will keep on praying. And saying yes. And saying thank
you. And I suppose I should thank Mary Karr at some point.
