Google Solves (Almost) Everything

Eye of the hurricane, baby. That’s the reality right now. Just for kicks I googled “What to do when in the eye of hurricane” and lo and behold, a million articles popped up. Of course they were literal, not figurative, but I don’t want to talk about anything that google can’t solve.

I don’t want to talk about my cousin in ICU, or my dog Stitch’s trial date that’s coming up in two weeks, or the fact that my grandson in Japan turns two next week and I don’t know if or when I’ll see him again. And I definitely don’t want to talk about the disastrous exchange I had with my agent over the book I just spent a year writing.

What I do want to talk about is the fruit fly invasion that exploded in my house in the middle of it all. I was walking around my house in an emotional stupor, a cloud of flies around my head like pigpen in the Peanuts cartoons. It seemed fitting that the outside of my head would match what was happening on the inside.

I want to talk about the fruitflies because Girl, when those suckers started dive-bombing my chardonnay, I was like – aw HELL NO. That was one area in my life where I was not helpless, waiting on the gods to hand me my fate. Within seconds, I was the freekin’ Terminator. I zeroed in on those flies with my infrared eye, emotionless, robotic. Soon they would meet their maker. And it would be so easy.

With my steely eye, I googled “nontoxic solutions for fruitfly invasion”. Aside from the obvious- don’t leave fruit out in your kitchen – it was suggested to leave a small dish of apple cider vinegar on your counter, with a few drops of dishsoap. That’s it. The fruit flies land on the cider vinegar, the dish soap breaks the tension of the surface, and the flies drown.

So I set the trap, went out for a couple hours, came home and found 50 dead fruit flies in the vinegar. Hasta la vista, BABY!

Next, I googled solutions for “winning dog trials” (no results), “enforcing child custody laws in Japan” (lots of very disheartening articles but no solutions), “what to do when all the players in your estranged family show up in one hospital room because your cousin was in a terrible car accident” (yeah, no results).

So for today, I will be focusing on the trial I did win. Me vs. Frutifly Invasion was a SLAM DUNK, and every victory, no matter how small, shall be celebrated! 

Now, let me just google “how to celebrate fruitfly victories…”