A New Beginning

I am up this morning before the dawn, taking inventory of this day, of my life and what it means to me. In the past, this was always my worst time of year. I struggled with depression, fighting off the darkness that returned to my heart every November as the days became dark and cold winds howled, reminding me that sixteen years ago today, we almost lost our lives in a fire.

On November 19, 1994, we were being released from the hospital in our blackened greasy pajamas. The nurse came into our room, removed our oxygen masks and cheerily told us, “Your carbon monoxide levels have leveled out. You can go home now!” Troy and I stared at each other in disbelief, as I held my four year old son Taylor tight against me, and looked at his sooty, tear-stained face. We had no home. We had no possessions. We didn’t even have shoes. Our daughter had been at a sleepover, and had no idea. We would have to tell her soon that as we slept that night, an electrical fire began in the walls of the house, that we were trapped by raging flames and had to jump out second story windows onto cement below.

Troy was on crutches. I had burns on my back and arms. After throwing my four year old out the window to Troy, I was the last one out before the explosions started. We could not get back inside to save our pets. Whitney, Lady, Munchkin, Angel and Bunny were gone.

Later, I wrote this poem about that morning.

November 19, 1994

The Destroyer

The destroyer has come

And left nothing in its wake

Men in plastic coats

Trudge through the ashes

Moving clumsily

Over the corpses of our dreams

That still smolder

And stink up the morning sky

Shell-shocked, charred and broken

We stand at the side of the road

Adrift

Tears resolve nothing

But only serve to wash away

The last traces

Of what we were

Changing us forever

But cleansing nothing

What was the meaning

of all that meaning

If only to be stripped from our canvas

Exposing a vast emptiness

Of all possibility and no possibility

Bleak

Open

Beckoning but not inviting

It awaits

I stand motionless, no palette in hand

Silence pervades

Even the angry voices in my head

Are quiet now

False optimism is offered freely

I swallow every last drop

Clutching it like a crucifix

I face the cold and distant unknowing

Wearing it like a warm coat

I take my first steps

Blind and shivering

as a newborn babe

I begin again

I am alive.

This morning as I woke, I didn’t feel depressed. I felt with every cell in my body that yes, I am alive. And after the nightmare of a year we’ve had, I am wide awake. I know this life is a gift, and I will not squander a moment of it. Today is a new beginning. I vow to step into my own shoes, and own this life I’ve been given. No more hiding behind insecurities and fear. I am stepping in, leaning into it with everything I’ve got.

From now on, November 19th marks the anniversary of my new life, my very best life.

No looking back, only looking forward...

So much beauty lies ahead, I just know it.