Damned If We Do…Damned if We Don't.

Evan sick with fever, and Stitch helping him to feel better. 

This drawn out lawsuit over Stitch has been so stressful and taken a toll not only on our finances but on our lives and emotional well being. I feel like I just crawled across the Sahara for a year and a half thinking when I finally got the verdict I’d get my first drink of water. Instead, no water. I have to crawl back across, and then maybe I’ll get that drink of water. And maybe not. So do I crawl…or collapse?

On Tuesday Troy and I were on a long conference call with our attorney, and as my little son lied beside me with 103 fever, he looked up with tears in his eyes and said “Mommy, please don’t answer the phone any more. I need you to take care of me.”

I just cried. This fight has taken so much time and energy away from my own family and career. Aside from the fact that, because I couldn’t afford to pay full attorney fees, I served as my attorney’s assistant - doing research, running documents back and forth to the court, helping to write the brief, I also had to build a website, organize a fundraiser, ship merchandise from the Save Stitch store, etc . It was beyond a full time job. But I thought it would soon be over. If I appeal, I’ve got to get up and fight harder than I did before. And I have no resources left. My finances are wiped out. I’ve seen too many of my friends lose their homes this past year, and I can’t risk that. I’m emotionally wiped out. My closest friends who’ve seen me go through hell are telling me to just let go- I’ve done all I could, that it’s not my job to be the lone fighter of the world. My child needs me.

BUT

If I gave up, I would lose Stitch, and that is unbearable. I’d have to turn him over to people I know to be neglectful and irresponsible.

If we gave up, we would have to live with ourselves. For the rest of our lives, we will know…we gave up on Stitch. If god forbid anything happened to Stitch (again) in their care, I will feel responsible. I can not even imagine taking Stitch from Evan. Every day at kindergarten he draws pictures of Stitch, and writes stories about him. Everyone in his kindergarten class knows and loves Stitch.

So basically I have to choose between two situations which, either way, will bring us enormous pain and grief.

It’s like…would you like to drink poison, or walk the plank? Which horrible choice would you prefer?

Last night my son lied in bed with a high fever, asking only for Stitch. Stitch cuddled up beside him, snoring away. Evan said, “If I didn’t have Stitch, I would be sick every day.”

And yet, my debt is piling up, and I need to focus on finding a job.

Late last night Troy and I sat by Evan as he slept, and asked ourselves- what is the right thing to do? We decided we will file the appeal today, which will cost hundreds just to file, not to mention attorney fees. I am desperately afraid of what this will do to my family, and yet, both Troy and I feel it’s the right thing, and we have seen throughout our lives that doing the right thing is never the easy thing. Are we setting my family up for more grief? We hope, and pray, not. But I remember Maya Angelou saying, “Sometimes, Sister, you just gotta step out on the Word.”  I guess this is what they call blind faith.