This is what I look like right now. This is my fifth bout
with skin cancer, and the fourth (and by far the worse) permanent scar on my
face.
I don’t go in the sun. I wear sunscreen every day (have for
as long as I can remember) so how did I get this way?
This is a result of the horrible sunburns I subjected myself
to as a teenager- all so I could look like someone else. Back in the late
seventies, when we fair-skinned girls were supposed to be bronzed like
Farrah Fawcett, I hated my body, I hated my skin. Kids used to tease me and
call me Casper the ghost. That together with the fact that I was trying to be
anyone but myself back then (if you’ve read my essay in Dancing at the ShameProm, you know what I mean) was a toxic combination.
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| The girl who didn't want to be herself. |
So I baked in the sun until my face blistered. And it was
awful and painful and foolish, but still I did it again. And again. Anything to
not look like me.
And here I am at 48.
When I think back on all the stupid things I did as a
teenager…hitchhiking, drugs, hanging out in liquor store alleys asking adults
to buy us booze, running away from home and sleeping in the park….Who would
have thought that the most dangerous thing I ever did, the thing that caused me
the most harm, on so many levels, was wanting to be someone else.
Now I have a permanent scar in the middle of my face to
remind myself of the ways I didn’t take care of myself, the ways I didn’t honor
myself, the ways I didn’t realize I was fine just the way God made me.
Take it from me- don’t long to be anything but you. Look
like you. Embrace you. Live as you. Be grateful for you.
And you won’t end up looking like me.
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| Don't fight who you are. |
Please feel free to use me as a cautionary tale for your
kids who won’t wear sunscreen, and to your teens or friends who bake in tanning
booths.
