Love and Miracles

 

March was the month from hell. It really was. I started to backslide into old negative belief patterns that I was unlucky, that this was my fate – had always been my fate, that bad things just randomly happen to me, etc…But then I stopped myself and said, “No, that is an old story. The new story is that I am open to love and miracles.” Even though I did not really believe this, I wrote it out, and posted it on my bathroom mirror. I looked at it and recited it to myself every day, until I started to feel it. All I can say is that if you make a commitment like this to yourself, buckle up.

April has been my month of dreams coming true. My book release events, both in Phoenix and at Barnes and Noble in L.A., were beautiful and meaningful. That same week I got to sing in a concert for my friend Jeff Jones, standing behind rock legends. I attended/spoke at four fancy gala events including Women Against Gun Violence  and The American Red Cross. My friend Amy said to me yesterday, “I’m exhausted from following you on facebook this month.” I laughed and said, “How do you think I feel? I’ve been in Spanx and heels for a month!”

Recently a facebook friend posted that she wouldn’t post any more pictures from her trip to paradise because she didn’t want to be obnoxious, and I said- PLEASE KEEP POSTING. Yes, there are people suffering terrible losses, losing jobs, reeling from depression. But for me, when I am down and I see people posting about wonderful times, it reminds me what is possible, for all of us. I find it so encouraging.

I posted a lot about my shitty month in March -- the funerals, the flood, the bugs, the ER trip --but I also wanted to post about all the good things, and hopefully it isn’t annoying or obnoxious to anyone, because my intent is to remind myself, and hopefully remind my friends who are suffering, that good times lie ahead, even when you can’t possibly imagine them.

I have lived through my Fire Season. I have walked through my dark night of the soul, and I know when you are there, how hard it is to find even the tiniest spark of light. If you are in a dark valley of your life, I ask you to open yourself to LOVE and MIRACLES. Repeat it to yourself even when you don’t believe it. Look for it every day, and notice the tiniest gifts…a bird on your windowsill, a rainbow, a meaningful song on the radio. Those are your stepping stones out of darkness. Open your heart to love and all the goodness life has to offer. Receive it with open arms when it comes…

Love and miracles beyond your wildest imaginings are in your future. Believe it. 

Here is something I never could have imagined years ago, when I was depressed and suicidal and wondering why I even existed.

Dreams Come True...singing backgrounds with Howard Jones, while raising money for my sick friend Jeff:

Hollye and Troy and The Seven Plagues

It’s Good Friday today, although I seriously doubt Jesus would have called it that. Talk about a bad day. With Passover and Easter upon us, I thought I’d share my own tale of the seven plagues. Or is it ten? I don’t know. I just know that recently Troy and I seemed to have experienced a few of them.

DEATH: Evan said the other day, “Ever since Anita died, everything has gone horribly wrong in our lives. It’s like she took all the happy with her.” He’s right. I was so shaken by Anita’s death, I got sick on the day she died, really sick. Lost my voice for a week, got bronchitis and couldn’t shake it for over a month. And that was just the kickoff to a string of other disasters. Like bugs…

BUGS: Recently Troy woke up covered head to toe in what looked like bug bites. His arms and legs swelled up and were hot to the touch. He went to urgent care, they gave him some meds but didn’t really know what was wrong with him. Last week, Evan woke up the same way and we knew we had a problem. We hired a company that brought a trained dog out to sniff for bed bugs. We didn’t have bed bugs, but in moving and turning over all our furniture we found out we had carpet beetles. I had no idea, as I had never seen one (still haven’t - they are smaller than a grain of rice and hide in your carpet and furniture). They don’t bite, but it turns out some people are highly allergic to them. So that began days of moving furniture and having all carpets and furniture steam cleaned and washing every thing in the house and bagging up all the pillows, etc. Ugh.

FLOOD – Two days after the bugs, the house still torn apart, I come home from yoga and Evan says, “Mom, don’t be upset. The whole house flooded.” Upset? Why would I be upset? Second floor bathroom flooded into first floor bathroom flooded into Troy’s recording studio and our basement. Spent DAYS dealing with that. Days of sweat and filth and throwing away photos and ruined Christmas decorations and trying to dry out an entire trunk full of my soaked journals. Cleaning carpets. AGAIN.

We realized that in the 15 years we’ve owned this house we have had six floods. Two caused by nature, three caused by toilets, and one by a burst pipe in the ceiling. We have purchased three new toilets, including one high-pressure flush toilet that was supposed to ensure that we never had another toilet flood, but THAT toilet spontaneously exploded, porcelain shards flying everywhere, and then flooded the bathroom. Yes, we had an exploding toilet (and are now part of a class action lawsuit against the manufacturer).

BLOOD: Two days after the flood, Troy was on the phone dealing with the IRS (who, on the day Evan was covered in hives, sent us certified letters telling us they decided we owe them more money for 2012) when Troy tripped over something and cut his leg wide open on a piece of broken glass. Blood everywhere. We were in the ER for four hours, three of those waiting to be seen, and one of them stitching his leg back together. 16 stitches. And while we were in the ER, the building inspector emailed us, wanting to know what we plan to do about our building code violations on our deck. SERIOUSLY?

Hail covering California beaches- cause that's "normal."

HAIL: Yep, we had that this month too. Hello, global warming. No one got hurt though.

And here’s a plague we hope we’re done with:

FIRE: Yep. We had that one big time. We thought we’d “burned through that karma.” Since then, we’ve been evacuated from this house twice during fire season, wildfires burning to the edge of our property. Twice. So I wrote this book Fire Season, which will start shipping in a matter of days, and I am praying this exorcises that chapter of our life. And I’m a nervous wreck.

...AND THE REST: I don’t really know what the rest of the plagues are but we’ve decided we’re giving them up for Lent.

So what is the moral of the story here? Are we unlucky? Cursed? Plagued?

I think it’s this. When awful things happen to us, we can choose to shut down and become bitter, or we can rise up again (like Jesus, or Obi Wan Kenobi, whichever works for you). Every one of us has lessons to learn, a cross to bear (sorry, Jesus) so to speak. Faith, courage, compassion…those are muscles that must be worked, or else we become, I don’t know… spiritually flabby. Those painful lessons are what grow our courage, empathy and compassion. Working as a gun violence prevention advocate, I have met and become good friends with many wonderful people who are survivors of gun violence or have lost children to gun violence. They have greater compassion and strength than anyone I know. In the midst of unimaginable loss, they rose up, and became stronger and kinder and more resilient than they ever knew they could. They give hope and encouragement to people like me who are dealing with silly little things like floods and bugs. They give me strength.

In turn, I share with you our crazy little tale of plagues, and I share in my book how we lost everything, including hope, and how there is always a way to turn ruin into redemption, and I think that’s the point of this thing called life.

Recently Evan asked me about that. “What’s the point of life, Mom?”  I told him it was to learn and grow. Distressed, he said, “That’s the WHOLE POINT of life?! That sucks!”

Yeah, I told him, sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it’s a grind and sometimes its so gorgeous it could break your heart wide open. But we’re lucky to have it. All of it.

Today I’m focusing on gratitude and looking forward to Easter Sunday, when I will gather with my family and be happy, count my blessings, my thoughts far away from any plagues.

Wishing you all a happy Easter, Passover, spring …and on Star Wars day, May the  4^th be with you. 

Is it just me, or does anyone else think a solid chocolate "instrument of torture" is a little weird?

Random Acts of Kindness Week

Last week, my friend Sue sent me a message filled with kind and loving words completely out of the blue. She said she had been thinking and feeling these things, and her mother had always told her, "If you're thinking something nice about someone, tell them!"

It just so happens this has been on my mind a lot lately the last year. I often will be thinking something in my head about another person, something really lovely, but then the moment passes and I'm on to other thoughts. But I'm learning that it's really worth it to stop and express those thoughts when they come.

About a month ago, Troy and I were eating lunch in a very busy restaurant in the Seattle airport. Our waitress was clearly harried, rushing about. I was staring at her because she looked so pretty to me. She was Asian, pale skin and bright red lipstick, and her black hair was pinned up with a cluster of bright red roses. As she rushed past me, I said, "Excuse me..."
"Yes?" She looked stressed.
"I just wanted to tell you that you look so lovely with your flowers in your hair."
She looked surprised and embarrassed, and mumbled, "Oh...thank you." She managed a little smile and went on with her work.
About ten minutes later, she came back to our table and said, "You know, I was really having a bad morning, but when you said that, my whole day turned around."
And then I felt great, so the idea of expressing your positive thoughts? Sue's mom was on to something. HUGE win/win.

This week is Random Acts of Kindness Week. (Why just one week? Why not Random Acts of Kindness LIFE?) I decided to be a kindness ninja. I am secretly posting these on people's car windshields. It took me 5 minutes to make them, and will take me 5 seconds to put them on a windshield as I'm out and about each day. I'm going to get my son Evan involved, too. I think it will be great fun and a good lesson for him. And I'm going to make extras to carry in my purse all year long.

I remember once, years ago, I was returning a shopping cart to the front of a store, and a woman who was standing there said, "Thank you for doing that. You are a good person." It was such a small, silly thing but my eyes welled up. It was just really nice to hear someone say "You are a good person"- even though she was a complete stranger. It meant a lot to me and I never forgot it.

It is so easy to participate in Random Acts of Kindness week (or life). It can be as simple as saying a kind word, holding a door open for someone, making a phone call, sending a card. As the great Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

I'm posting my RAK each day on twitter (https://twitter.com/hollyedexter) Follow me and post your own acts of kindness with the hashtag #RAKweek2015. 

Dreams are a Powerful Thing

 

Last night at the King Family Christmas party, our friend Wendy got up and told the story of her childhood Christmases in Australia. Her father ran a general store that was open 365 days a year, even half a day on Christmas. On Christmas, she and her brothers would watch Christmas shows on TV, and wait for their father to get home from the store. Their father believed in each person getting only one gift, so they'd wait all day to open their one gift, and that was Christmas. She asked her father, "Why can't we have a Christmas like they have on TV and the movies?" and her father said, "That stuff is only on TV. It isn’t real." But Wendy never stopped dreaming about those sparkly Christmases she saw every year on TV.

When she grew up, Wendy came to California on vacation, where she met and fell in love with a lovely man - and because of him, she would never leave California. They were married twenty years ago, and had a family. Little did she know when she met him that this man was part of the King Family- the family known for their annual Christmas specials. Troy and I have been part of the King Family’s annual holiday party and Christmas Show for 15 years, and let me tell you- nobody does Christmas like the King Family. Wendy’s Christmases now are far beyond the ones she saw in the movies. Every year, Christmas is sparkling and full of song and family and joy. I love Wendy’s story because it is such a strong testament to the power of dreams. 

Sing-a-long at the King Family Christmas party.

Christmas has always been a special time of year for me. After all, I’m born in December and named after a Christmas plant. But beyond that, it is a time of hope. It’s a time when my family always pulled it together to be our best selves, no matter what else was happening in our lives.

My childhood was not so bright and merry. Domestic violence, a dad in prison, and being shuffled around to relatives made me long for a normal, stable life. I would count the days every week until the Partridge Family show came on TV. I was riveted to the screen. Like Wendy watching her Christmas shows, I watched the Partridge Family and not only wanted to be like them, I wanted to BE them. And my favorite Christmas album? ---------->

Many years later, I married a musician, raised some musical kids, and now we record Christmas songs together every year. This is my Christmas/Partridge family dream-come-true. Our Christmas Family album is our gift to you, (download for free and share with friends, if you like) in the hopes that it inspires you to never think a dream is too big, or that you can’t have it, or that it doesn’t exist. Remember Wendy’s story, and be inspired.

Our wish for you this holiday season in that you hold on to your dreams.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays from our family to yours…
(Listen to our Family Affair Holiday Album while you peruse the internet by clicking below, or feel free to download the whole album for free.) 

Learn how to make a free Electronic Press Kit

 

Elevate

When I got fired from my job in June, it pretty much knocked me flat. Not only had this been a job, it had been a calling. Add to that the betrayal by people I'd thought were my friends.

My true friends rushed in to lift me, like emotional EMTs.

Amy said, “You haven’t lost anything. I know you will find the medicine in this poison.”

Dani said, "You’ll get through this, and I will help you.”

Erin said, “Fuck them. I’ll be right over with wine and take-out,” which at the time were my favorite words.

My facebook inbox lit up like a Christmas tree as my friends across the country got wind of the news. They said, “We love you. We’ve got your back. Nothing can erase all the good work you did.”

A few days later I talked with my friend Julie, and she said, “They haven’t knocked you down. They have elevated you.”

“Elevated me? How?”

“Because I know you. You will find the good in it. You’ll write about it, and you’ll share your story with others. In the end you will be stronger because of it. You will rise above this, and that’s how they have elevated you.”

Of course, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson says that when someone deflects a miracle from you, when they block goodness that is meant for you, the Universe will hold the miracle in trust, and will find another way to make sure you receive it. It may come from another person or a different job, or another door will open that you never knew existed.

In other words, when someone tries to knock you down, you should really thank them for teaching you courage and strength, and also for teaching you who you don’t want to be, because in the meantime, all the good things that are your due are still on their way.

No one can really ever take anything from you. It’s up to each of us to lay down in defeat, or to elevate.

I choose to elevate.

The 5 Things I Gained From Losing Everything...

(This story was posted on "Maria Shriver's Architects of Change."  It is excerpted from my new memoir "Fire Season: Losing Everything and Finding Myself." With deep gratitude...)

On the morning of November 18th, 1994, my family seemingly had it all: a strong marriage, two kids and a gaggle of rescue pets. My husband Troy and I each had our own businesses that we ran from the home we were renting. We volunteered at our kids’ schools, threw parties, took business trips — it was a great life.

But that night, we went to bed in a burning house. A freak electrical short began smoldering in the walls as we slept, erupting into hellfire in the middle of the night. The fire pressed us up against the windows, gasping for air, our skin burning. We were forced to jump from second story ledges with our children, onto the cement below. The inferno raged, windows blowing out, as the life we had built vanished before our eyes....(read the rest HERE on Maria Shriver's website)


Watch an excerpt of my live interview on AOL.com:

Also on "Maria Shriver's Architects of Change", read Amy Ferris and my co-authored piece "Letting Go of Shame, Thelma and Louise Style"

Answered Prayers?

Lately a friend asked why I seem to have so much going on in my life at once. First let me just say that facebook presents a false reality that absolutely everyone is out having a fabulous life while we are home doing laundry (and in fact I spend the majority of my Saturday nights home doing laundry) but ultimately she’s right. I have had a lot going on lately because I am saying yes to everything. And here’s why.

The last few years, from 2010 on, were rough. My challenges were so huge and overwhelming, I was on the verge of losing everything. I endured a stressful, costly three-year court battle to save my dog, a restraining order on a violent and armed neighbor who threatened to kill my husband, losing my grandson for a year and a half, household disasters that cost us tens of thousands we didn’t have, and the list goes on. On top of that, during this time both my writing and singing career seemed to be dying a slow financial death. We were living on the edge of quiet desperation. Not knowing where to go, I went within, and I wrote, and I read. One of the books I read was Lit by Mary Karr. Karr talked about being broken down and broke in her own life, and how it forced her to her knees. Literally. She began to pray every day, and miraculously her life turned around. In addition to sobering up for the first time in her life, her first book, The Liar’s Club, soon became a New York Times bestseller. And things only got better from there.

Though I am a Baptist preacher’s daughter, my strongest sense of religion is perhaps my devotion to the written word. Nature is the only church I belong to. But finding myself at an all time low, I had nothing to lose by following her lead.

I began praying every morning, and meditating, even if for a few minutes. I didn’t know if I was doing it “right” by any dogmatic standards, but I was sincere in my practice.

Aside from praying for my loved ones (and sometimes my not-so-loved ones), I prayed to be my best self. I prayed for opportunity. I prayed to be given the chance to do good work in the world. I vowed that if opportunity was given to me, I would rise up to meet it. And I said thank you. A lot. No matter how bleak things were, there was always something to say thank you for. Months into this, what I previously considered my “luck” began to turn around.

After a solid year of praying, I am blessed with meaningful work. My dog has remained safely with me. My grandson came home. The violent neighbor got evicted – on Christmas. We were even “gifted” a free trip to Jamaica. Opportunities are coming my way right and left, so what else can I do but say YES to everything? I would be crazy not to.

Are these answered prayers? I don’t know. I don’t presume to be evolved enough to wrap my puny brain around the mystery of God. But what I do know is that words have power. Stating my intention every day changed something. I also observed that my days matched the energy I brought to them, and starting my day in quiet contemplation definitely brought good energy.

I have no evidence that there was someone listening on the other end of that cosmic line. The things I've experienced --gun violence, almost being killed in a fire, a catastrophic childhood, a father in prison -- sometimes made it hard for me to believe in any God, but my faith is stubborn. I have seen evidence of grace in my life. I have seen evidence of love, and of goodness. What else could God be but that?

So I will keep on praying. And saying yes. And saying thank you. And I suppose I should thank Mary Karr at some point.

*Another blog I wrote on The Power of YES.

Living in Possibility

 

Last night my husband Troy and I saw Cirque de Soleil Totem. This is the third time I’ve seen a Cirque show, and every time I am moved to tears. Yes, I am awed by the spectacular beauty and their superhuman feats… but it’s more than that.

As we were walking to our car after the performance, Troy said, “If the world would just stop fighting, we would see more miraculous things like this.”

And I realized that this is why I was so filled with emotion. Our world is weighted down in fear. Fear separates us, and causes us to fight each other. Fear causes us to fail. 

But on this night we saw no fear. We witnessed the best in humanity, from every race and creed, from all over the world. And I know these artists could not possibly do what they do if they had a moment of fear in their hearts.

When this woman is dangling 100 feet in the air from her partner’s foot, she’s not thinking about falling. She's not thinking of how dangerous this is. She can’t afford to think that way. She believes she can float in the air, supported only by a human foot, and she does. She is living in possibility.

There is no room for fear in this scenario. No fear. And they fly...

It made me wonder why, as we enter every new endeavor or relationship or creative pursuit, why are we so often filled with fear? Why are our hearts so filled with doubt?

What if we lived in possibility and belief…all of the time?

Could we fly, like these miraculous performance artists?

What if?

Yes Is the Word

Years ago, my husband Troy (a professional musician/composer) took a comedy improv class. For him, it was like bungee jumping-- saying yes to something that scared him. He ended up staying in the program and performing every Friday night for over a year, and sees it as one of the best things he ever did.

In improv, you always say yes to the scene. If your scene partner puts a leash on you and begins to parade you around the stage, then yes, you are a prize pooch in the Westminster Dog Show. Of course much of this is fun and games, but on a larger scale Troy learned how to say yes to life, rather than resist the “scenes” that were handed us. For instance, when we were in our forties with our daughter in college and son in high school, I sat Troy down and told him I was pregnant. He didn’t freak out (though it would have been justified). He said yes to that scene. All through my pregnancy with Evan, I attended Troy’s Friday night comedy performances. I loved it, and I too learned the importance of saying yes. A few years later when our son Taylor sat us down in the living room and told us his Japanese exchange-student girlfriend was pregnant, we said yes to that scene, too. And to many more scenes since…

One of my favorite comedies was “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey. In the film he is sort of a pessimistic curmudgeon who is challenged by a motivational speaker to say yes to every opportunity that comes his way. He begins to say yes to danger, risk, love and adventure. Of course a few things go haywire because he has no boundaries and doesn’t say no to the things he should. But by saying yes to opportunities he once hid from, his life opens up. He finds love. His career takes off. His friendships deepen. The deepest desires of his heart, ones he had not allowed himself to feel, begin to take root

This word yes is popping up for me a lot lately, and I am paying attention. Last week on Super Soul Sunday, Oprah was interviewing pastor Rob Bell (author of Love Wins).

“How do you define prayer?” she asked

“One word,” he said, “Yes.”  Bell says we should wake up every day and approach our lives with wonder. Greet the morning with, “Yes, I’m open. What’s next?”

Author Steven Pressman (The War of Art) also believes in the power of yes. He says that we all have two lives; the life we are living, and the unlived life. The only reason we have an unlived life is because we haven’t said yes to it.

Our friends Julie and Mary set a fine example. They have an engraved brass plaque on their front door which reads, “The House of Yes.” And these are two women who are definitely living the life of their dreams.

This morning in my meditation, I said yes. Yes. I’m open. What’s next? It feels both scary and exhilarating, but I am ready to step into the fullness of who I am, who I can be. I’m ready to stretch my limits and explore my potential. I am ready for new experiences and adventures. I am ready to approach my life with love and wonder.

YES.

Reclaiming Joy IV: Standing in My Own Shoes

Recently while hiking in the mountains, my friend Terrah and I sat on a rock in the middle of a silent canyon and had a long talk. Both of us had gotten to a “stuck” place in life, and we wanted to bust out. I was telling her about a book I’d been reading (E Squared) where author Pam Groust likens life to a skyscraper. Most of us, she says, are living on the second floor, while everything we desire is on the 17^th. But we’ve never seen the 17^th floor, therefore we don’t believe it exists. We also don’t see electricity, but we don’t hesitate to turn on a light. We believe the light will be there, and it is. So, I was telling Terrah, I have to get to the 17^th floor.

“It’s not about getting to the 17^th floor,” Terrah said, “it’s about living there.” She explained to me that she teaches her acting students to “inhabit” the person they want to be in ten years --walk as that person, talk as that person, LIVE as that person.  I was mesmerized- what a concept.

Later I talked with Troy about this. We’ve been hit with some pretty big financial setbacks this year, and it’s had us feeling beat down and defeated. So I told him what Terrah had to say about it, “How about we start inhabiting the selves we want to be, right now? How about we live on the 17^th floor?”

He said he loved it, and talked about who he wanted to be in the future.

I said, “I think who you are now is pretty great.”

He said, “The guy I want to be is not worried about money, spending all day writing a song about a hayride.” And this goes to show you, it’s all in one’s perspective. I saw him as a success and he was feeling like a failure.

“But…the way I see it, you are greatly successful!”

“Tell that to the mortgage company,” he said.

“But you write music that educates children, and helps autistic kids. You just played a Wilson Phillips gig in front of 8000 people and opened for Brian freeking Wilson. Why not inhabit the person you are now?”

And of course he very sweetly pointed out that I could take my own advice.

Ultimately we decided that while striving to inhabit our better ourselves, we would be happy for what we’ve been able to accomplish so far in our lives, and stand solid in our own shoes.

I mean, if you really stop to think about it, just look at the things we’ve all accomplished in our lives. You, me, all of us. So many of us have raised kids, taken care of a sick friend, survived cancer, built a successful career, traveled, rescued an animal, been courageous beyond our wild imaginings…We are teachers, friends, mentors, activists. Why don’t we give ourselves credit? Why don’t we stand tall in our own shoes instead of wishing we were in someone else’s? I think change comes when we take note of the things we’ve done,  reminding ourselves daily that we are better than we know. Rather than ignore our past successes, we can use them as touchstones to build future success.

So Troy had a gig in Vegas over the weekend. I tagged along with Evan and Ayumu and we made a crazy road trip out of it. We kept ourselves in a good mental space all weekend, and in spite of a few colossal challenges, we stood steady in our own shoes. We walked a little taller and felt a lot stronger. And when we got home late Sunday night, there was a box on the porch. We rushed inside to open it were shocked to find that Troy had won an award (proving my point that who he is now is indeed pretty great- thank you very much.)

It was a Telly Award for his compositions on the ABCMouse website. (Other recipients have included ESPN, OWN, Discovery Channel and many more.) This came completely out of left field. We didn’t even know he was in the running.

But this is the beauty of claiming who you are. Troy stood tall in his own shoes and the Universe met him there. I am ridiculously proud of him. For starters, I’m going to send this picture to the mortgage company. 

Troy Dexter: "Award-winning composer"  Yay!

*And thanks to Terrah Bennett Smith for starting a great conversation that had a domino effect...

What I'm Giving Up

When I feel stuck in life, sometimes the simple act of letting go of old things, cleaning out a desk drawer, my closet, or my purse (which is a cry for help right now) can provide a feeling of relief. It seems to magically create a vacuum in my life, making room for new possibilities. But emotional clutter is another issue. 

All the self-help books tell us that the past does not define the future, the wake does not drive the boat, etc. But most of us hold on to things from the past, which keeps us rooted there. We don’t open that “drawer in our head” often enough, and soon we’ve got a jumbled head full of old beliefs and stories that no longer serve us. Or maybe that’s just me. Just like my closet, I need to do an inner purge now and then.

In order to make room for peace, harmony, and balance in my life, these are the things I’m giving up:

Resentment

If I’m feeling resentment, this means I’ve taken on too much, haven’t set limits or healthy boundaries, and now I’m frustrated with a situation I helped create. I can either accept the situation I’ve chosen and find gratitude for it, or I can change it and choose something different. I am gladly giving up resentment, and making room for gratitude.

My Old Story

I grew up the daughter of a convict and a single mom who worked nights in a bar, we used food stamps to buy our groceries and blah, blah, blah. I’ve already lived that story. It held me down long enough. I wrote the memoir. Wrote the essays. The story is over. I don’t want, nor need, to live it any longer. Buh-bye old story. I’m making room for a new story.

Feelings of Worthlessness

Those are going out along with the old story. Period.

I’m making room to step into my full value as a human being.

Shame

Co-authoring Dancing at the Shame Prom changed me in so many positive ways. It really helped me to shed a lot of that old shame. But shame is sneaky. It finds new and different ways to lurk into my psyche: money-shame, aging-shame, body-image shame. Once again, I'm kicking it to the curb, making room for self-acceptance.

Struggle

I have struggled a lot in my life. I’ve struggled financially. I’ve struggled for justice. I’ve struggled in family relationships. But recently, while teaching my son how to swim, I learned something. He was struggling in the water, exerting so much energy while going nowhere, eventually sinking. I kept telling him, “Just relax and let your body float. The water will support you.” And bingo- I made the connection. Stop struggling and float. Let the Universe support me. I’m letting go of struggle to make room for peace.

Writing helps a lot with emotional purging, which is why I’ve always kept a journal. But when writing it out isn’t enough, I pray. I pray for help in letting old beliefs go. Whether I believe in God (I do) or religion (not so much) doesn’t really matter. Words and intention hold great power. Simply stating that I want to give something up (on a daily basis) has changed me greatly.

I’m making room in my life for love, goodness, miracles, joy, and passion.

What are you willing to give up today? What are you making room for? I’d love to hear about it. 

 

Imagine the possibilities...

Answered Prayers

When you put your faith in love...

Troy is home from Japan with videos and pics of our grandbaby Ayumu, and as I peruse them again and again, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I prayed for this EVERY day for a year. I woke up each morning, and thought about Ayumu. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the scent of his hair, the feel of his skin, the weight of him against my hip. I conjured up the feeling of running my fingers through his baby curls, the way he'd nestle his head into the hollow between my neck and shoulder, how he'd exhale and lay soft against me. Then I would take all that love, and put it into a prayer. Every single day. I called on every ancestor in spirit. I prayed to God, to angels. I asked for help from anyone who was out there in the cosmos.

A year ago, when Aya,my daughter-in-law, and Ayumu failed to return from a "visit" to Japan, when her facebook and email accounts disappeared, when she stopped communicating with all of us, yes, I panicked. I feared we would never see our grandson again. But I knew that fear was not my friend, and would only make a bad situation worse. After the tears and ranting, I decided, instead, to invest in faith. I put that faith in LOVE. 

For a year we have prayed, and sent only loving words to Aya. Even though she often would not respond, we still sent love. 

A year later, this happened in Kobe, Japan. I think this picture says it all.

My husband Troy and grandson Ayumu, reunited.

Some may say it was coincidence that while touring with Wilson Phillips, Troy was booked on a layover in Japan, but I know it was my answered prayer.

Aya rose to meet the occasion, and welcomed Troy into her home for three days, letting him spend every waking moment with Ayumu. Ayumu rushed into Troy's arms, held his hand everywhere they went, chattered in Japanese to him. If we had gotten angry with Aya, which certainly would have been justified, I know this gentle reunion would not have happened. Aya has matured over this past year. She is seeing things differently. And now, she is talking with both Troy and our son Taylor ( still her husband) about the possibility of coming to visit.

What I have learned through this ordeal is to never lose hope. Never lose faith. Miracles are possible when you keep your heart open. We don't have the perfect scenario, and I don't know that we ever will, but somehow we will find a way to be a family. Even with 5000 miles between us, through the cultural differences and the hurts and misunderstandings, we are a family. Love wins.

Saying goodbye at the airport, Troy whispers, "Come home to us, little one."

Navigating Disaster

It's election time, everybody, and you know what that means. The politicians and media are going to pump you full of fear;  Unemployment is soaring, Facebook stock just dropped by half. The pundits are screaming and yelling, people are losing their jobs and homes. Everyone is throwing the blame, but no one knows what to do. Forget red states and blue states, a state of fear is the worst state to live in. Decisions made from a place of fear are always the wrong ones. So let’s pull ourselves together, shall we?

First, let me assure you of this fact: All will be well.

How do I know?  I consider myself a connoisseur of disaster. I’ve been trapped in a burning house, bankrupted, abandoned by my family, betrayed, destitute, mugged, sued, threatened with violence, homeless. (And don’t even get me started on my childhood!) But guess what?  I’m happy.

I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years to get me through the panic attacks that used to plague me, and these are the tools I’ve learned for navigating disaster.

ACCEPT WHAT IS:

This world has existed for billions of years. All kinds of catastrophes have occurred and yet – the world still turns. The talking heads called JFK a socialist and communist and said he was destroying America, and guess what? We're still here. Yes, life will change and evolve.  Everything is impermanent - the bad phases, and even the good. The more we try to clutch onto something to keep it the way it was, the more pain we cause ourselves. Accepting life as it is will bring you peace. 

FIND YOUR FLOW:
Think of it this way: Life is a river, ever flowing, ever changing, a force all its own. You never step into the same river twice, and so it is with life. We can’t control the river, but we can learn how to navigate it. We can be dragged through it kicking and screaming, or follow the flow. Whatever is happening to cause you stress, remember: the tide will rise and fall, the sun will continue to rise every day, new life will spring up from devastation- that is the way of the world. Find your flow, and when it changes, find it again. 

STAY IN THE PRESENT:

Wayne Dyer said that if we stay in the present, 99% of the time, there is no problem. I mean, unless you are in this moment hanging from a cliff by your fingernails, which is unlikely. Most of our problems are in our heads, where we either lament about the past, or worry about what may possibly happen in the future. The majority of the time the things we worry about never come to pass. If we could stay in the right here, right now, we’d realize we are okay. Ask yourself this, right now at this very moment, are you in danger? If not, feel free to relax, and enjoy your day.

FOCUS ON THE GOOD:

The world is a place full of beauty and art and music and nature and heart-stopping wonder, and it’s all available to you. So how bad could it be?  Step out of fear, and make a list of the good things in your life. If you can’t see the good, spend a day volunteering on Skid Row, serving the homeless. That’ll put things in perspective. Or try playing this game:  If I were alone on a desert island, what are all the things I would miss?  Write it down. You’ll realize just how much you have to be thankful for.

DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY:

No matter what is happening in the stock market, in politics, at your job, don’t let it rob you of JOY. Find what brings you happiness, even the little things, and do that. If you can afford a spa day, go for it, but joy doesn’t cost money. Take a bubble bath with candles, take a long walk in a beautiful place, sit under a tree and read an inspiring book, buy yourself a 64-pack of brand new Crayolas- lay on the floor and color, play your all-time favorite album, go to the beach. Even little things can bring great joy.

GET OUT OF DODGE:

If you can possibly afford it, get out of town for a few days. Albert Einstein said, “You can not solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”   I know personally that I need to get out of my every day routine and environment to look at things differently. If I can’t get away, even a day of walking on the beach can bring that perspective.

And finally, if you still can’t get out of your place of fear, try this…

WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

After our house burned down, I had anxiety attacks. My therapist used to play this game with me:

He’d say, “Okay, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I will lose everything, be penniless and homeless and have no credit.” (All of which did eventually happen, by the way)

“And then what?” he’d say.

“I guess I’ll…have to find a good job, and find a place to live.”

“And then what?”

“Well, I guess little by little…I’ll pay off my debt.”

“And then what?”

“I guess I’ll be okay.”

( I was, and I am.)

Play this game with a friend, with every possible worst-case scenario, and keep going until you’ve sorted it all out. The reality is never as bad as you make it out in your head.

Look at the people of Japan. After the tsunami and earthquake, they were out there in the trenches with shovels, starting at square one, rebuilding their lives. The world is resilient, and so are we. Leave fear behind. Embrace your life.

And finally, I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

-author unknown


Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. As for me- I'm getting out of Dodge!

How To Be Happy (For No Good Reason)

On Thursday, as many of you know, we lost a second round of court battles for custody of our dog Stitch. After three years of fighting, fundraising, campaigning…you could say I was depressed. Extremely depressed, in fact.

The next morning, as I was driving to yoga, I was running the whole thing over in my mind. Why is this happening? What am I going to do? And there in front of me, a car had a bumper sticker which read, “Be persistent. PRESS ON.”  I knew it was the truth, but that truth was daunting to me. More fight. More legal bills. More court appearances. Add to that that we are simultaneously trying to figure out how to get our two-year old grandson (who was taken by his mother to Japan) back into our lives. I could barely hold my head up with the weight of all my worries.

That night, too exhausted to cook, Troy, Evan and I went out to dinner at a little hole in the wall Mexican joint we frequent. Our posture was slumped, our faces drawn, but our busboy cheerfully delivered water and greeted us with such exuberance we couldn’t help but smile back. In fact, all through our meal, Jose would breeze through with a big smile, refilling our waters, bringing us chips and salsa with a few kind words thrown in.

I was perplexed. In my mind I assessed (judged) his situation. I mean, here is this grey-haired guy in his sixties, working as a busboy at a Mexican restaurant in the Valley. How happy could he be? But he was, and just being around him throughout the meal, I felt my spirits lift a little.

As we were about to leave, I told him, “I’ve really enjoyed being around your happy attitude tonight. You’ve made our meal very pleasant.”

 “I’m olways heppy!” he said in a heavy accent.

“How?” I heard myself say, “I mean, how do you do it?”

He smiled, pointed to his head and said, “Jou decide.”

Troy shot me a knowing look.

In the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness, he says more or less the same thing. Happiness is an attitude you cultivate. Challenges will come in life, but you can decide to be happy, anyway. The Dalai Lama says in order to achieve happiness: focus on the things that make you happy, and do those things. (Conversely, find the things that bring you unhappiness, and avoid those things.)

Simple enough, right? Ridiculously simple.

And yet how often I spend time lamenting over things that have happened in the past (like losing an appeal) or worrying about things that may happen in the future (like losing another appeal), when I could refocus my energy onto all I have to be grateful for right now. I can focus on the things that make me happy and do those things, no matter what other challenges come.

As Jose, our Dalai-Busboy said, “Every morning, jou wake up, you poot jour feet on the floor, say Gracias! Jou are alive!”

Wisdom is most often delivered when I least expect it. It can be in the form of a bumper sticker, or a cheerful busboy in Canoga Park. When I’m paying attention, the answers are there.

I’ve got a load of challenges on my plate right now, and at times they appear to be insurmountable, but I’ve also got choices in how I want to live.

I want to be happy.

I know that happiness, like a garden, must be cultivated. If my garden is choked with weeds, happiness can not thrive. It is my choice to weed out unhappiness, worry, negativity, and to nurture and water happiness.

Like my friend Jose said, “Jou decide…”

A Week Without Negativity- Did I Survive?

I’ve just completed a week-long Negativity-cleanse, in which I tuned out the news, didn’t watch any negative TV (no cable news or politics), didn’t listen to news on the radio.

All week I read positive, uplifting books and listened to music. I did yoga four times this week, kept my mind in a healthy place, ate healthy foods (no junk!) and didn’t participate in negative conversations. I slipped a few times, especially in the area of inner conversations in my own head. This was a great opportunity for me to see where I create my own negativity. But, I didn’t let it get me down. Each time I faltered, I got back on the horse and read my Dalai Lama book. I started every day by writing what I was grateful for, and then read several “good news stories” for inspiration. I took my laptop and worked outside in my yard, under the trees, rather than being hunched over a desk. I listened to music that inspired and uplifted me.

And I felt great!

This week, I felt at peace with everyone around me. I was more patient, even when Evan got squirelly. I slept sound every night. I felt happy, peaceful, centered.

I’ve decided I’m going to continue the negativity-fast. I know I can’t block out all news, but I don’t really need to know most of what the media blasts at me. I plan to be selective as to what I let inside my head. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to know any more about Jerry Sandusky or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I would rather read about new galaxies being discovered in the universe, cures being found for illnesses, people reaching out to help each other.

An interesting side note this week: since I started blogging about ridding negativity from my life, my blog readership dropped by about 70%. When I look at my blog statistics, my most popular blogs of all time are about the Northridge earthquake, my miscarriage, losing my trial, my grandson being taken to Japan, and posts about friends who have passed away. My many blog posts about miracles, lessons learned in crisis, finding hope in the darkness, etc…are the least popular. Hmmmm…

This may further prove my theory that we, as a society, are in fact addicted to negativity.

As with any kind of addiction, the first step is recognizing that we have a problem.

Here is some good news to help break the cycle: http://www.good.is/

Good news all over the world: http://www.goodworldnews.org/

Have a wonderful Sunday, everyone!

Will it Bring You Happiness?

The Dalai Lama says that before you make any decision in your life, you should ask yourself, Will it bring me happiness? 

We make decisions every day, often based on fear, avoiding pain or conflict, because we think it’s the “responsible” thing to do, because we feel obligated. But will it bring us happiness? 

A job may bring us security, the relationship an ego boost, the double scoop hot fudge sundae a moment of pleasure, the shopping spree a temporary thrill, the act of revenge a moment of satisfaction - but the question we need to be asking ourselves is- will it ultimately bring me happiness? If the answer is no, then why would we choose it?

So I’m adding another element to my experiment this week. Before making any decisions, I will stop and ask myself, Will it bring me happiness?

I am posting sticky notes everywhere in my house to remind me: on this computer, on my TV, on my front door, on the refrigerator. 

After several days of my Happiness experiment, I'm feeling optimistic. I'm sleeping great. I'm getting along with everyone around me. I'm walking taller. A girl could get used to this...

Reporting on my Negativity Cleanse

Yesterday was Day 2 of my Negativity-Cleanse. Or perhaps I should rename it my Happiness experiment.

Tuning out the bad news allowed me to have a great day. Interestingly, the only negativity that came up yesterday was from inside my own head. As I sat down and began to work on my latest book, I froze. I’ve gotten an earful of negativity about my book recently, mostly from naysayers who are sure I’ll never sell it, no one is buying memoir right now, blah blah blah… I’ve been working hard to block out other’s negative opinions, but I slammed my computer shut and heard myself say “I hate this book! What’s the point!” Suddenly a book I’ve loved writing and have felt good about for the past year became a thorn in my side- and all because I let other negative opinions seep in to my brain.

I decided not to beat myself up about it- and just get back on the positivity train as soon as possible. Here’s how I spent my day:

I started the day with gratitude. I asked myself this question, If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I miss? Suddenly a cup of French roast coffee alongside a bowl of greek yogurt and fresh fruit makes me want to weep with gratitude. As does a refrigerator full of food. Music. Books. A home. My family and friends…all  of it becomes a miracle to be celebrated.

I ate healthy foods- Negativity cleanse means putting nothing into my body that I would regret later. I nourished my body with only healthy, organic food.

I listened to music that uplifted me. I made a mix CD of my favorite hope-inspiring songs and played them while I worked, cooked, cleaned the house. I felt chipper, singing as I went about my day.

I tuned out news, radio, and TV. Instead I read uplifting news articles and started re-reading “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama.

I had uplifting conversations with my friends.

I went to a yoga class that kicked my butt but ultimately made me feel strong centered and peaceful.

I sat outside listening to birdsong while I worked on my laptop (and wondered why I don’t do that more often!)

After a healthy dinner and family walk with our dog, I spent time reading with Evan.

I ended my day by writing down the things I was grateful for that day, then cuddled up in bed with my Art of Happiness book.

I slept soundly for a full eight hours.

Not a bad way to live. I may choose to do this for more than a week. In fact, why not choose to do it for a lifetime?

To some of you, this may seem a frivolous, self-involved thing to do. But here is a word from the Dalai Lama’s book about that:

“Survey after survey has shown that unhappy people tend to be the most self-focused, socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic. Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible and creative and are able to tolerate life’s daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people.”

It seems that making yourself happy is actually the most generous thing you can do, since everyone in your life will benefit from your happiness. I think if I continue to infuse my life with things that uplift me, it will inspire me to finish my book, and who knows, maybe all this good energy will help me in court in two weeks.

Are any of you doing the Negativity-fast this week. If so, how has your experience been? I’d love to hear about it!

(Here is a good news story for the day. Bill Moyers reports on a small town that pulled together to save their libraries from being shut down. The power of good!)