Peaceful politics: What do you stand FOR?

It’s been said that when Mother Theresa was asked if she would join an Anti-War march, she said, “No. But when you have a march for peace I will be glad to join.” When seeking direction in my own life, I always think Mother Theresa’s wisdom is a good place to start. Especially when it comes to politics. We've all had a good earful of what politicians and voters are against, but I would rather know what someone stands for.

This is what I am FOR.

I am for women maintaining the reproductive freedom we fought so hard for. One of my closest friends was raped at knifepoint in her first year of college, and became pregnant from the rape. If the republicans had their way, women like my friend could be forced to carry a rapist’s child to term, or, forced to “prove” the pregnancy was the result of a rape. Life is complicated. Nothing is black and white. I am for letting a woman choose what happens to her body.

I am for funding of Planned Parenthood. It is because of Planned Parenthood that I have never been in a position to need an abortion. When I was in my teens, Planned Parenthood provided me with healthcare and birth control and education. If not for them, I likely would have ended up 16 and pregnant, like my own mother. Planned Parenthood also provided healthcare to me as an adult when I had no health insurance. Planned Parenthood is where I went to have my pregnancy test -- they gave me the very happy news that I was pregnant with my daughter Cristen. Without Planned Parenthood, there would be more children in the foster care system, which would be the real tragedy.

I am for all citizens, gay and straight alike, to be able to serve openly in the military, to be able to legally marry the person of their choosing. I have two gay brothers, and many gay friends with children. I want their marriages and families to be on an equal basis with my own. I want them to have every right I have.

I am for all citizens having available healthcare. I was one of the uninsured Americans you hear about. Because of my past history with skin cancer and anxiety disorder (pre-existing conditions), I was turned away by Blue Cross, Blue Shield, Health Net and all the others. I spent 6 years without health insurance, including during my pregnancy with Evan. If I had become seriously ill or injured during that time, my family could have lost our home, our savings….lost everything. Because of Obamacare, I can no longer be denied insurance. I am FOR Obamacare.

I am for government funding of Pell Grants. Because of President Obama’s support of Pell Grants for college students, we were able to get our adult kids through college.

Though I’ve listened to him speak, watched the debates, and read articles about him, I’m still not sure what Mitt Romney stands for, but I have read the Republican party’s platform, and they stand AGAINST everything I am FOR.

On Tuesday, November 6^th, because he is FOR all the things I am FOR, I will be voting for President Obama. That is my choice, and I respect your right to yours.

America is a democracy, a glorious two-party system, designed to ensure that no one party obtained too much power. The idea was that the parties would discuss differing opinions and compromise, settling on those ideas which are in the best interest of all. If we all shared what we were FOR, maybe we could find some common ground, and get this political system working again.

Please, before Tuesday, think about what you are FOR, educate yourself on the issues at hand, and please, please please…VOTE. 

Evolution of a Blog

Thank you for the gift you have given me.

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I was writing about the trials and tribulations of the writer’s life - the agent rejections, the self-doubts, the pressing urge to write anyway. Never in a million years did I think this blog would become the Dexter SAGA. Never did I imagine I would be on the frontlines of animal activism. But, like my friend Monica Holloway said to me, sometimes life taps you for a cause. You may have never seen it coming but one day there you are, rising up to a fight you didn’t know was in you. Monica is now one of the main spokespersons for Autism awareness. It certainly wasn’t what she had dreamed of as a little girl, but life, as they say, is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

So here I am.

For anyone who is new to this blog, suffice it to say the past two years have been a whirlwind of drama (and yet blessings sandwiched in there, somehow).

Just a few weeks ago, for instance, I had an amazing miracle of a day: I was Monica’s guest at a private luncheon for Michelle Obama. I was on cloud nine. We laughed and ate and drank wine and were transfixed and inspired by Michelle. Then, as soon as I got home, still walking on air, I got an email from my attorney that our request to keep our dog Stitch during the appeal process had been denied, and now we had to appear in court to beg again. Right after that I got a phone call that the job I had just clinched (which was going to pay for my attorney) had fallen through.  For some reason, that’s how most of my days have been for the past two years. I can’t even bask in a happy moment for a full 24 hours before the next storm hits.

My life hasn’t always been this way. Thank God I’m an obsessive journaler. I can look back at the years 2005-2009 and see what peaceful, happy years they were. But 2010 and 2011…not so much. Luckily (or actually NOT luckily) this has happened to us before. 1995 and 1996 were hellish years. Our house burned down with both our businesses in it, so we were homeless, jobless, hopeless. But we made it through those times, and that is how I know we will make it through these. I learned then that when you are walking through the dark valley of your life, there is no other way but through. You may look for a way to catapult yourself over it, to fly over it, to avoid it by numbing yourself with substances or addictions…but it doesn’t work. You just have to keep trudging through the muck. So that is what we’re doing. And that’s what this blog is for me…a place to trudge through, to sort it all out in my head. If I was walking through life with all this trapped inside me, my brain would be like a hornet’s nest, full of confusing angry thoughts. But instead, you’ve given me a space to put it all out there and connect to others who “get it”.

So for that I want to thank you today. Thanks for sticking with my blog through it’s evolution, and all it’s ups and downs. Thank you for caring, for reading, for commenting to let me know I’m not the only one toughing it out right now. You have been my safety net over troubled waters, and I hope I return the favor.

You've given me a true gift. You guys rock.

Michelle Obama’s Arms

Michelle Obama- ten feet away from me!

With all the unpleasant things going on this week, I haven’t had a chance to write about my UNBELIEVABLE EXPERIENCE on Monday. I was Monica Holloway’s guest (thank you Areva Martin, CEO of Special Needs Network) at a fundraising luncheon for Obama 2012, featuring keynote speaker: Michelle Obama! Yes, folks. On Monday I was just ten feet away from greatness, and GREAT ARMS. Holy moly, those arms… I am not kidding.

As Michelle walked out, gorgeous and poised, the Inner City Kids Orchestra started to play, and Monica and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes. It was truly a surreal and magic moment, and suddenly all the things Monica and I had stressed about up until that moment were forgotten.

What did we stress about, you ask? How ‘bout this: WHAT DO YOU WEAR WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO SEE THE FIRST LADY OF THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD? I mean, really. Monica and I were on the phone until well past midnight the night before (and we had to be on the road by 8:30 in the morning) talking each other off the ledge. We both tore through our closets, describing in detail each garment we owned, while simultaneously looking at pictures of each other on facebook.

“Oh, how about the dress you’re wearing here at this gig in 2009, Hollye? That looks cute.”

“I can’t wear that! It’s sleeveless! I can’t bare my arms around HER! And anyway I got that dress at Ross…EVERYONE WILL KNOW!”

“Google Michelle Obama right now- there’s a picture of her in a GAP dress- I swear!”

And this is how the conversation went until we exhausted ourselves, nearing 1a.m., neither of us closer to a decision.

At 7 a.m. I decided to wear a blazer and dress pants with a nice blouse. It had been probably ten years since I had worn these “corporate” clothes. I took the blazer out of the closet and there was literally a quarter inch of dust on the shoulders, which I frantically cleaned. Then after trying it on, I noticed the sleeves were an inch too long. Had I always worn it like that? Or had my arms shrunk with age? I could not let Michelle Obama see me this way. So I rushed to my junk drawer to find the old “Stitch Witchery” I bought years ago, because I don’t sew. Remember Stitch Witchery? It’s like a white tape that you iron inside of a hem and it sort of glues the hem in. So there I am…the clock is ticking, my hair is wet, and I’m ironing Stitch Witchery into my ten-year old dusty blazer as my sweet husband is in the driveway in his Pjs washing the bird poop off my car. Ugh.

I finally put myself together and flew out the door. Late, of course. I used every stop sign and traffic light as an opportunity to apply mascara and eyebrows. After missing my exit and having to turn around, I finally arrive in Pasadena to meet Monica, who had spent the morning bedside with her sick son, feverish and vomiting. I met her on the side of the road, where I parked, then jumped into her car, anxious to see what she was wearing.

Monica was looking fabulous in a slip, hot rollers strewn about the car, no makeup and a pile of clothes in the backseat.

HELP! She implored.

“I’m here. Let’s do this.”

We rifled through the clothing choices in the backseat and chose a great outfit. It, too, was an outfit she had not worn in about 8 years, as the designer dress she had just purchased had been ruined at the drycleaners. Of course.

Monica managed to contort her 5”9” frame over and around the steering wheel as she dressed in the front seat of her car, then put her lipstick on while I simultaneously penciled in her eyebrows. Somehow…we pulled ourselves together and drove up the hill to the big event.

The night before, Monica had flown in from San Francisco, where she had attended a memorial service for an old friend. After missing her return flight, she returned to find that someone had attempted to break into her car at LAX and in the process had broken the handle off her door. Monica, in one of her Lucille Ball moments (she has many) had to crawl through the window.

So we pull up in front of this mansion, flustered, insecure, the valet comes to the door and looks at us, cocking her head…Monica picks the door handle up off the floor, “Oh, are you looking for this?”

We laugh, and we know…this is it. Ready or not, here we come.

Monica in her fabulous designer 8-year old outfit

Me - "What Not To Wear"

We spent the next hour in a long line waiting for our pat-down by the Secret Service (woot woot!). While in line with a hundred other women, I blurted out, "Did anyone else here completely stress over what to wear today?” All heads whipped around in my direction. Uh-oh.

“Oh my Lord, YES!” was the overwhelming response. Then one by one women began to tell us their tales of woe…the shopping and not finding, the frantic search, the clothes now lying in piles all over their bedrooms. Every one of us, it seemed, had that Universal feeling that somehow we weren’t “enough” to be in front of the First Lady, that somehow we didn’t belong here. And yet, each of us were invited. (Another universal “Shame” theme…so glad Amy Ferris and I are doing this book on shame. Lordy, it is pervasive).

Anyhoo….back to Michelle Obama’s arms. So we take our seats at our reserved table, next to Star Jones and Eva Marcille- winner of America’s Next Top Model, who says to Monica “Oh I LOVE your outfit!” And I winked at her…TOLD YA. Star Jones was quite lovely, not like that woman she plays on reality shows. She got a bottle of wine from the bar and came back to refill all our glasses. Just as I confidently reach for my mug of wine ( yes, just as Monica and I arrived, they run out of wine glasses so we take our seat next to Star and crew with mugs of wine)  and with horror I notice a long white tape of Stitch Witchery hanging out of my sleeve. Oh screw it!  It was hotter than HADES anyway so I took the damn jacket off and forgot about it for the rest of the day. Which meant I was now free to concentrate on what really mattered - Michelle Obama’s arms.

Eva Marcille, Vanessa Bell Calloway, Areva Martin, Star Jones

Monica and Star:
"Did you see that Stitch Witchery hanging
out of that poor girl's sleeve?"

But as she took the podium and began to speak, all my self- involved worries melted away. What I heard was a woman just like me, who had doubts, who did her best to be brave and stand up for what she believed in, who was striving to be a good mom, a loving and supportive wife, and to do the right thing even when it’s the hardest thing. I learned that the president of the United States calls his wife “Meesh” - I loved that. And I learned something about Michelle Obama’s arms. That they, like mine, comfort her husband at night when it’s been an impossible day, and 

hold her children close to her, just as I do. I learned that we all belonged there on that day and that we are all, as “Meesh” said, in this together.

I learned that clothes do not make the woman (although they help), and that Prada shoes are torturously uncomfortable so who needs 'em (ask Monica) and that what counts is who we are and how we live our lives. 

I also learned that 20 pushups a day are not going to cut it. I gotta get crack-a-lackin’.

Farewell Oprah. It’s Been a Wonderful Ride.

The first thing that flashed in my mind this morning as my son poked me awake at 6:30 am was “Oh my God…this is it. The last Oprah show is today…”

Next thought: How will I deal with it? I thought about flying to Chicago, throwing myself to the floor and clinging to her legs, begging Don’t leave me! But that would be undignified. And creepy. I imagined myself screaming as the cops dragged me away…But you guys don’t understand! Oprah is my best friend!

Oprah truly does feel like a friend to me, and to so many of us. She has been a companion to my days for the last twenty-five years. When I’ve been hopeless, I’ve looked to her for direction. On so many occasions her show inspired me, pulling me out of a life rut.  I’ve taken her advice on many issues. Like her, I too start my days asking that God use my life for something greater than I know. She taught me that.

In fact, Oprah taught me more than I ever learned growing up in my family. She taught me that you can be born a poor black child in the segregated deep South, and become the most beloved woman in the world.

When she shared that she was molested as a child, she taught me you can be damaged and still be happy.

When I learned about her hidden pregnancy at 14, and the baby’s death, it taught me terrible mistakes are not the end of your life.

When she exposed her secrets to the world, she taught me that it is okay to tell the truth, about everything.

She brought incest and child abuse and homosexuality and shame out of the closet.

She taught me that being happy for other’s successes lifts all of humanity.

She taught me that money and power is not necessarily the root of all evil. Some people use theirs for good.

When she sat down with guests who she’d had previous conflicts with, she taught me it’s okay to be wrong and say you’re sorry.


Through her struggles with weight, she taught that most of us will have lifelong battles that we may overcome, or we may not, but we are still worthy and lovable just as we are. 

She’s taught women everywhere that you can rise to the top, be a powerful woman, have kids or not have kids, be married or don’t. Be yourself.

Growing up, I had never known a person like that. But since learning they exist, I have sought them out. My life is now filled with phenomenal, brave, honest people like Oprah. If it weren’t for Oprah and her influence on my life, I don’t know that I would have had the courage to start my own nonprofit for foster kids, to write my memoir, or to write The Shame Prom with Amy Ferris.

And for all you eye-rollers out there who have your doubts about her, I hear you. She is human. I’ve been mad at her here and there. She has her moods, she gets caught up in her ego sometimes, and is flawed like everyone else. And yes, I know she’s not God (though the jury is still out on that one…I mean, you never know…)

On the other hand, Oprah has had a positive influence on our culture, more than any other living person I can think of. Seriously, the Dalai Lama doesn’t have as much reach and influence (no offense, Dalai!). People in the poorest countries in Africa watch her. Women in Saudi Arabia gather in their burqas to watch her. I even believe that her personal endorsement was a big reason Barack Obama won the Presidency.

She has emboldened a generation, opened our minds to new possibilities, exposed us to other cultures and ways of thinking. She cast a strong bright light on the hidden shame we all carried. She brought positive television to the masses.

She gave us hope and laughter and truth when we needed it, and for that Ms. Oprah Winfrey, I am eternally grateful.

So long, dear friend. I will miss you terribly …

P.S. Will you miss me, too?

(For anyone who missed this previously, here is a recording of me talking on the radio with my best friend Oprah. My brush with greatness!)

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Prayer for Japan

Proof that miracles thrive in the presence of love

My heart is heavy with grief this morning as I watch the devastation in Japan unfold on television. I lived through the1994 earthquake in California. It registered 6.7 on the Richter scale, and I thought the world was ending. It was terrifying beyond belief. But to survive an 8.9, only to be wiped out by a Tsunami only 15 minutes later? I truly can not imagine the horror.

I had to break the news to my Japanese daughter-in-law last night. We watched the news together, sick to our stomachs, praying her friends and family would be safe through the night.

It’s times like these that rock my faith. Is there a patriarchal God up there who just had a temper tantrum,  decided he didn’t like his creation and knocked it over like a cranky child with a stack of blocks? I can’t buy into that.

I don’t know if there is a God “up there”, or somewhere in the atmosphere, but if God is love, then yes, I see God. Because with every disaster that happens in the world, as people are suffering, a miracle begins to emerge. The God in you, the God in me, awakens. We become united as humans. All around the world we connect through our prayers, empathy and our actions. We connect through Love.

We give, even when we don’t have. We rush toward the disaster, rather than look away. We reach out to absolute strangers. In those desperate moments we realize, we are all one.

This morning  President Obama announced our commitment to help Japan, saying "The friendship and alliance between our two nations is unshakeable, and only strengthens our resolve to stand with the people of Japan as they overcome this tragedy." Sixty years ago Japan was our enemy. Today, our friendship is unshakable. I think of that every time I hold my half-Japanese grandson in my arms, and remember that my grandfather was a bomber in World War Two. Miracles occur in the wake of devastation.

Is there a reason for everything? I don’t know. But there is a reason for us now to rise to the very best in us. To help, to pray, to hold one another in grief, in loss.

So please join me this morning, and say a prayer for our brothers and sisters in Japan.

This too shall pass, and all will be well, for miracles thrive in the presence of love.

What You Didn't See on the News...

(* all photos courtesy of Christina Martinez)

Close to forty thousand people showed up to see President Obama at the USC rally I attended last Friday. It was peaceful and orderly- no drama. Today I can find NO COVERAGE by any major network or news outlet. Now had it been twenty people from the Tea Party, it would have been on every TV channel. Just goes to show you how our media works. Only drama sells.

As we stood for hours in lines that stretched on for eight city blocks, I noticed first how positive and happy everyone was. People showed up with their young children, babies in strollers, grandmothers in wheelchairs. There were young college students and silver-haired couples, buses full of school children. Everyone was smiling, excited, chatting with one another about our President, his integrity, how he’s kept his campaign promises and continues to do so. Forty thousand people getting along. Happy.

And no media – no cameras, no film crews, anywhere.

When we finally proceeded inside USC Alumni Park, it was a human sea of bodies pressed tight together, everyone trying to get closer to where the President would soon stand. And yet, not once was there a fight, no shouting matches, nothing. Peaceful. Forty thousand people.

There was a group of young Republicans standing outside the entrance holding signs “We’ll knock the left out with a HARD RIGHT.” No one said anything to them, just walked past. I had no problem with them being there. America is a two party system, but it just bothers me how aggressive and sometimes violent their slogans are ( RELOAD, AIM …). It’s just unnecessary. How about some good ideas on those signs instead? Don’t have any?

For the seven hours I was there, I searched the crowd for signs of news media, and saw nothing but a Fox News truck. They must have been hoping to catch some negative drama. Sorry to disappoint, guys.

The rally was so exciting. The crowd was pumped up, and started spontaneously chanting OBAMA OBAMA….Let me tell you, forty thousand voices in unison is pretty thrilling when you’re standing in the middle of it. Jamie Foxx was the emcee. He was taking videos of us chanting for his twitter feed. Next was a concert of world music, then speeches by our local democratic candidates – Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer. (Jerry Brown quoted Ghandi in his speech. I like that in a candidate.)

And finally…what we’d all been waiting hours for - President Obama. The crowd’s cheers were deafening. It was such a thrilling moment. The President gave an inspiring speech, as he always does. One of the things he said that stuck with me was “I know many of you are thinking back to Inauguration night, the celebration, the party…but I told you then the road ahead was going to be hard. I told you – power concedes nothing without a fight.” I remember him saying that and I remind people when they start to criticize him for not getting everything crossed off his To-Do list after two years. Give the guy a break. Aside from the mess he inherited, he’s had pirates and flu epidemics and oil spills. I mean, he’s not Superman. But the overall message was – don’t get tired. Not now. Don’t give up on our mission. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up, be counted, vote! He definitely reiterated that we don’t want to give the car keys back to the guys who drove our country into a ditch a few years ago.

After the speech, he walked into the crowd and shook hands with people, causing great cheers and excitement. Again- no one rushed the stage, no one pushed or shoved. And then when it was all over, all forty thousand of us exited the campus in an orderly way, and that was that.

I’ve got something to say to the media. When forty thousand people show up to peacefully support a common belief in the President– THAT IS NEWS. Lindsay Lohan behaving like a spoiled teenager is NOT.

Americans - keep in mind how many positive uplifting events are occurring all over the world which you will rarely hear about- and let go the ugly commentary that’s being spewed through the media every day. Don’t listen to the gossip, the fear mongering and especially ignore all those awful deceptive campaign commercials. The world is a much bigger place than the news would have you believe. It’s a place full of wonder, miracles, and people doing good when no one is looking. Like the president, for instance.

Well, at least Japan News NHK showed up, and asked to interview my friend Christina who promptly handed it off to me. Ask her! She said. She’s got lots to say. (Gee, and I’m usually so shy about sharing my opinions…)

Oh well, sorry you missed the party NEWS MEDIA, but we had a great time without you. And guess what- we bloggers are spreading the word, when YOU don’t do your job.

Above all, no matter what your beliefs or political bent- please get out and VOTE on November 2^nd!

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED! VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

Your Dogma just Ran over My Karma

No I didn’t make that up, I saw it on a bumpersticker, reversed actually, but it was fitting for today.

Ya know, I have tried to believe in religion, Christianity, Self realization, the Golden Rule, Karma….but I always find a glitch. I want to believe, I really do. But the hypocrisy, the lies, the hateful people that call themselves Christians. Just this morning in the news – a Christian Militia planning to attack and kill police officers? How do the words Christian and Militia even belong in the same sentence? Does anyone remember what Christ stood for? Love, and compassion and kindness, from my understanding. But what do I know.

I mean, just look at the people who have been good and kind, have given their lives in service to others, how they ended up. Lincoln, Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jesus…

I say a prayer (or whatever you want to call it) for President Obama every day. How can such a good man be turned into this monster in the minds of so many? I guess the same way some turned Lincoln and Kennedy and Jesus into an enemy of the people. So where is that Golden Rule? Where is the Karma? Is there really any justice in the world? I’m feeling pretty doubtful.

And that brings me to my situation….after all this blog is about ME. I made a facebook post the other day about the fact that I am being sued over an abandoned dog I adopted. I said that no good deed goes unpunished, and sadly, I have seen this to be true in my life.

In January, we traveled 10 hours to pick up this dog, who was found in the middle of a highway in Nevada City. We have loved him and made him a part of our family. Now some guy who says he used to own the dog is coming after us, saying we stole the dog. Three weeks ago, on a Sunday morning as I relaxed with my family over breakfast, some idiot rang my doorbell and served me papers. We are being sued in Superior court for thousands of dollars. The guy has no proof of ownership, and in fact, he is only one of three different people who have now claimed ownership of the dog. It's a long sordid story, but L.A. County animal control told us the dog is legally ours and we are in the right.

Anyone can sue you for anything, even if you never did anything wrong, forcing you to spend thousands of dollars to protect yourself. That's what I'm dealing with today.

This isn’t the first time for me. Five years ago I had a nonprofit which I had founded with a few other musician friends, teaching music and art to teenagers who were in the foster care system. I created the programs and taught them myself. Only one of my friends, Joy Bonner, volunteered to help me run the programs.

Every year we would hold a big fundraiser concert, and we had started to get some celebrities performing for us. Then we started getting press. And then folks got greedy.

One of the founders, along with one of the board members, decided they wanted to get rid of me and run things themselves. They had no interest whatsoever in working with foster kids. They wanted the power and the prestige of working with the celebrities. So they lied about me to other board members, said I had my hand in the till, and tried to sue me. I fought back and they eventually dropped the suit. But it turned what once was a beautiful nonprofit program into an ugly battlefield. The greedy women took back the musical instruments from the foster children, and put them in a storage unit. In disgust, I resigned, and took my program with me. I started a new nonprofit on my own.

I loved these kids. I brought them to my home on weekends, I spent Christmas with them. I gave them birthday parties and Quincineras, and eventually, baby showers. But the "system” didn’t see any worth in providing arts to foster kids. What purpose did it serve? What money did it bring into the system? And although I only made a few thousand measly dollars a YEAR for my program ( I worked 90% of the time for free) they cut my funding.

So tell me, when does a good deed go unpunished?

A least I can look myself in the mirror every day and feel good about my choices, even if they didn’t work out. I guess that’s it. That’s the reward.

And I think about president Obama, how people are calling him the Anti-Christ and throwing their projected fear and hatred onto him, and how he holds his head high, not taking the bait, and I think….Buck up, girl. Get your ass back to work and fight that damn lawsuit!

Grrrrrrr……