How to Push Through Resistance

 

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Remember that from science class? And so it is that in every positive action you take, you are sure to encounter resistance in some form.

Resistance with a Capital R

Stephen Pressman, bestselling author of novels like Bagger Vance, says in his book The War of Art that resistance, like gravity,  is a natural force in the Universe. You will meet it all throughout your life. He says that you will especially find it when you are taking a big step in a positive direction. The pursuing of any creative dream, social activism, new relationships -  all will fall prey to the big R at some point. The point is to not be deterred by it. Here was the huge lesson for me. I have encountered resistance in the Universe every time I have tried to create positive change in the world. I’m certainly finding it, big time, in my activism for gun reform. I experienced huge resistance with my nonprofit programs for at-risk youth (lost funding, the flailing foster care system, difficult people who blocked our progress, etc.). I took it all very personally. After 8 years of fighting resistance I sort of felt the Universe was punishing me. I eventually gave up.

But now I think I get it. Every success is at some point met with failure. Think of every successful person you know. They are sure to have overcome a huge obstacle to get to where they are. We don’t take it personally that we are tethered to the ground by gravity. Nor should we be set back by resistance.

But resistance is not always an outside force. Often, Pressman says, resistance comes from ourselves in the form of the ego. But here’s where it all shifts for me. He says those resistant voices in your head that say You can’t do it.  You’re crazy. You’re not good enough, smart enough, educated, talented, tall, short whatever it is you’re not enough…none of that is you.

Huh?

That’s right. He says that voice is just resistance, that natural force in the universe. Resistance is not you. YOU are a pure, creative, loving spirit. Anything that is not pure, creative and loving is not the real you. How do you like that? So the next time that negative voice starts yammering away in your head, you don’t have to listen to it. It’s not you! Tune it out.

So what do we do when we meet with resistance? Pressman says we acknowledge it for the harmless natural force it is. We don’t take it personally or get upset. We persevere, and we push through it. Success and happiness are on the other side. Keep your eye on the prize.

Or to quote Pressman, "Put your ass where your heart is."

Check out this interview with Oprah and Pressman on Super Soul Sunday:

Why Oprah Had Trouble Writing Her Harvard Commencement Speech

Author Steven Pressfield says that in order to find your calling, you must put your "a** where your heart wants to be." The one thing that keeps us from sitting down, he says, is resistance. Watch as he helps Oprah work through why she procrastinated on writing her Harvard commencement speech. Plus, learn why every dream encounters resistance along the way.

One Small Step

This is a blog about achieving a big dream one small step at a time, a philosophy I owe to an interview I read with author John Berendt.  Berendt’s novel, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, was originally turned down by his agent. She said it was too localized (Savannah, Georgia), that no one would ever read it. Undaunted, he found another agent who loved the book and sold it with ease. Problem was, no one was buying it. So he committed to doing one thing every day to promote his book. One thing every day adds up to 365 actions in a year. Midnight eventually sold more than 2.7 million hardcovers, was on the New York Times best-seller list for four years, and was made into a film, making Berendt a rich man.

Moral of the story: Persistence + small simple steps = Success.

I was so inspired by John’s story, as Amy and I are facing a similar uphill struggle with our book, Dancing at the Shame Prom. The publishing industry ain’t what it used to be. Authors are handed their shiny new books, placed on an iceberg and floated off into the deep arctic waters of self- marketing. We’re overwhelmed, to say the least. But one thing every day? That’s something we can do. So Amy and I made a pact to each do one thing every day to promote our book, adding up to over 700 actions in a year. Not bad. And we're keeping each other accountable by emailing what our one thing is each day.

But this method isn’t just for books. It can be applied toward any goal.

For instance, I feel overwhelmed by clutter, and dream of being better organized. So, I started with one pile of mail on my desk. The next day, my jewelry box. The next, the sock drawer. Next up - my purse.  Small actions. 365 actions in a year.

I also want to lose weight. I can make one choice every day toward better health. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Skip the second glass of wine and have a sparkling water. Do sit ups while I watch TV.  Just one change a day. 365 actions toward weight loss in a year.

Here are some more ideas.

Say you want to write? Write one page every day. 365 pages in a year. Sounds like a book to me.

You want inner peace? One action a day: Take a walk, meditate for five minutes, pray, write in a journal, call a friend. 365 actions more peaceful by the end of the year.

You want to find love? Do one loving thing every day. For yourself. For others. For the world. 365 acts of love can only create a love avalanche.

Anyway, you get the idea. By breaking a dream down into small simple steps, anything can be achieved.And it helps to have a partner to be accountable to, because it's easy to forget small simple things.

Let’s all choose one important goal, take a small step toward it today, and see what happens.

PS…

John Berendt’s very kind words about our book, Dancing at the Shame Prom:

"These are startlingly honest stories of deep-down, lingering hurt, bravely and eloquently told. Once you start reading you can't stop. The effect is oddly cleansing."

- John Berendt

 

How To Be Happy (For No Good Reason)

On Thursday, as many of you know, we lost a second round of court battles for custody of our dog Stitch. After three years of fighting, fundraising, campaigning…you could say I was depressed. Extremely depressed, in fact.

The next morning, as I was driving to yoga, I was running the whole thing over in my mind. Why is this happening? What am I going to do? And there in front of me, a car had a bumper sticker which read, “Be persistent. PRESS ON.”  I knew it was the truth, but that truth was daunting to me. More fight. More legal bills. More court appearances. Add to that that we are simultaneously trying to figure out how to get our two-year old grandson (who was taken by his mother to Japan) back into our lives. I could barely hold my head up with the weight of all my worries.

That night, too exhausted to cook, Troy, Evan and I went out to dinner at a little hole in the wall Mexican joint we frequent. Our posture was slumped, our faces drawn, but our busboy cheerfully delivered water and greeted us with such exuberance we couldn’t help but smile back. In fact, all through our meal, Jose would breeze through with a big smile, refilling our waters, bringing us chips and salsa with a few kind words thrown in.

I was perplexed. In my mind I assessed (judged) his situation. I mean, here is this grey-haired guy in his sixties, working as a busboy at a Mexican restaurant in the Valley. How happy could he be? But he was, and just being around him throughout the meal, I felt my spirits lift a little.

As we were about to leave, I told him, “I’ve really enjoyed being around your happy attitude tonight. You’ve made our meal very pleasant.”

 “I’m olways heppy!” he said in a heavy accent.

“How?” I heard myself say, “I mean, how do you do it?”

He smiled, pointed to his head and said, “Jou decide.”

Troy shot me a knowing look.

In the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness, he says more or less the same thing. Happiness is an attitude you cultivate. Challenges will come in life, but you can decide to be happy, anyway. The Dalai Lama says in order to achieve happiness: focus on the things that make you happy, and do those things. (Conversely, find the things that bring you unhappiness, and avoid those things.)

Simple enough, right? Ridiculously simple.

And yet how often I spend time lamenting over things that have happened in the past (like losing an appeal) or worrying about things that may happen in the future (like losing another appeal), when I could refocus my energy onto all I have to be grateful for right now. I can focus on the things that make me happy and do those things, no matter what other challenges come.

As Jose, our Dalai-Busboy said, “Every morning, jou wake up, you poot jour feet on the floor, say Gracias! Jou are alive!”

Wisdom is most often delivered when I least expect it. It can be in the form of a bumper sticker, or a cheerful busboy in Canoga Park. When I’m paying attention, the answers are there.

I’ve got a load of challenges on my plate right now, and at times they appear to be insurmountable, but I’ve also got choices in how I want to live.

I want to be happy.

I know that happiness, like a garden, must be cultivated. If my garden is choked with weeds, happiness can not thrive. It is my choice to weed out unhappiness, worry, negativity, and to nurture and water happiness.

Like my friend Jose said, “Jou decide…”

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

I recently read an interview with Kathryn Stockett, author of the New York Times #1 bestselling novel The Help, which is now being made into a film. She said her book was initially rejected by 60 agents and publishers.

60!

4 agents rejected my first book, and I went back to the drawing board to reassess. Maybe they have a good point, I thought. Maybe it really is too hard to sell a childhood memoir right now if you have no “platform”. In other words, if you’re not a celebrity or reality TV star, no one cares what your story is.

60 rejections. Wow. There is something about that kind of persistence that boggles my mind. When I get doors slammed in my face, I take it as a sign that I must be knocking on the wrong doors, or headed down the wrong path, so I retreat. But maybe I’ve got it all wrong?

Jack London received hundreds of rejection letters. In fact, he papered his study with them.

The movie It’s a Wonderful Life was a commercial flop, quickly shelved after it’s original release.

33 publishers rejected Chicken Soup for the Soul (who’s cryin’ now?).

Dr Suess’ first children’s book was rejected 24 times.

And…I love this one. Decca records rejected The Beatles- stating that “guitar music was on the way out”, and the Beatles had no future in show business.

I just finished reading The Help, and loved every page of it. It is a beautifully told story of race relations in Mississippi in the sixties, and the change that was coming. I do believe this book, even though it is fiction, has a lot to teach us, especially in parts of the country where racism is still prevalent. I also believe the movie will help to open hearts and minds. 

It left me wondering…what if, after, say…30 rejections, or even 59, Stockett had given up on this beautiful and important story? What if It’s A Wonderful Life got shelved forever? What if the Beatles took Decca records comments to heart, and their music never touched our lives?

I am now working on a second memoir that my agent is interested in and thinks she can sell. But what about my first book? What if I keep sitting on it forever, afraid of what may happen if I release it into the world?

So I ask you , dear readers, in your own experience, when do you try, try again? And when do you try another direction?

David and Goliath

Just look at that stoplight. Isn’t she a beauty? Well, maybe not so much to you, but to me this stoplight makes my heart swell with pride, because it represents victory after a hard-fought battle.

It all started about ten years ago, just before Christmas, when seven-year old Brandon, a playmate of my son’s who lived just a few doors down, was riding his scooter to our corner store. The corner store that lies just across the main road that weaves through our quiet little community. The road commuters just love to speed like crazy on, because it has no crosswalks, no streetlights, no stop signs, no traffic lights.

Brandon was the victim of a hit and run that evening. He was dragged by the car for about twenty feet. His mangled scooter lied up the road after being dragged under the car for a city block. The monster behind the wheel of that car sped away, leaving a little boy bleeding and unconscious on the side of the road.

Brandon was taken to Children’s Hospital where he lay in a coma for weeks. We neighbors took turns visiting at the hospital, and doing what we could to support his parents. We then rallied to see what we could do to prevent this from ever happening again.

My community is small, rural and unincorporated. Chickens and wild peacocks are the main source of “traffic” on our narrow country roads. We were literally the last place on the planet to get high speed internet. I was on dial-up until just a couple years ago. We aren’t worth the city’s bother to provide us with sewer or gas lines, or trash pick up. We have to source all that out ourselves.

So when we approached L.A. County Supervisor Mike Antonovich and demanded a stop sign at the intersection by our country market, we weren’t exactly treated with any kind of priority. We held a town meeting at our local chapel, and discussed our ideas with Antonovich’s deputies. The crowd shouted out their demands. We need street lights! We need a stop sign! We need peacock crossings! (Oh Chatsworth people…)

We were politely rebuffed.

Antonovich’s deputy Patty explained that the main road was too important a route for morning commuters, and they couldn’t risk traffic being slowed by a stop sign.

Well, what about a crosswalk at least? We countered.

Not necessary, they said, as you have the legal right to cross there without it.

Hmm…couldn’t risk traffic being slowed down? We had the legal right to cross there?

We townsfolk met again, and decided if the most important issue to the city was not the well being of children in a small unincorporated town, but the flow of traffic, then we’d hit them where it hurt.

We made a plan, with all of us taking rotating shifts. We would continually cross the street there, s l o w l y, from 7 to 9 am and again from 4 to 6 pm every day, nonstop, forcing cars to stop. And we would carry signs stating that a little boy laid in a coma at Children’s Hospital while the city did nothing to protect our community.

And boy, for a community of artists and cowboys and old hippies, we were diligent and organized! On the first morning we backed up traffic so far that within the hour, traffic helicopters circled overhead to investigate. What they discovered was a bunch of artists and cowboys and old hippies standing in the road with signs. Next came the news helicopters and trucks. The commuters were visibly angry, although some of them (the decent ones) cheered us on. After about a week of us legally crossing the road all day, the Supervisor’s office caved to our demands.

We didn’t get our stop sign. Instead we got a traffic light, a crosswalk, street lights, and a flashing electronic radar sign to monitor speed.

Brandon eventually recovered, but with some minor brain damage. He is now a teenager and doing pretty well.

Antonovich ended up befriending me, awarding my nonprofit with at-risk kids, and giving me the back room in his office to hold my nonprofit events and meetings.

No one has been hit by a car since. We all still love our traffic light.

And that, my friends, is how it’s done.

The moral of the story, don’t let yourself get caught up in the fact that you are David and they are Goliath, if the stone you carry in your pocket is the stone of truth. When something is worth fighting for, you must do it, no matter how daunting the task.

I needed to remind myself of this story, as we approach our trial on Monday, fighting to keep custody of our little dog. (for anyone new to this blog, you can read about it at SaveStitch.webs.com) Yesterday I was feeling pretty beat down after reading through some of the documents and statements from the “plaintiffs”, which are nothing but lies and deception. It’s astonishing to me the lows some people will stoop to. But I have this little stone in my pocket…it’s called the TRUTH. And I have faith that if I hold on tight to that, I need nothing more.

I’ll see you in court on Monday, Goliath.

Chutes and Ladders

Today I played a marathon game of Chutes and Ladders with my four-year-old son and let me tell you, that game is not for the faint of heart. It gives “Risk – the Game of World Domination” a run for its money.

The object of the game is to move the 100 spaces to the winner's spot at the top. Along the way, you are provided “Ladders” where you get to skip many spaces to move up the board, and then there are “Chutes" - long slides that punish you and send you reeling back to the bottom (sound familiar?).

Lately my son’s been preoccupied with the idea of winning. In fact, everything is an opportunity to win. He finishes a glass of milk, slams it down empty on the table and claims, “I win!”

So we play games like Candyland or Don’t Break The Ice and when he wins, he shouts out “I win and you lose, Mommy!” He doesn’t say it with any malice, and technically he’s right, but I explained to him that even in winning we must be gracious, and encourage the other person for playing a good game. So now when I lose, he gently pats me on the back and says in a sweet sing-songy voice “Congratulations, loser.”

So today we’re playing the game, and I just happened to get lucky and make it to the winners circle. I won. His face was a little sad. He dropped the dice and started to pack up the game.

He said, “Aren’t you going to say Congratulations loser to me, Mommy?”

And suddenly, the importance of this moment sunk in. My son isn’t a loser because his roll of the dice was different than mine. He didn’t lose because his journey set him back on the gameboard. My head was spinning as I related this preschool game to my whole life. I could see our history on the multi colored spaces….

The Dexter’s Real Life Chutes and Ladders:

1993- My struggling business finally turns a profit after four years of loss. “LADDER”

1994 – It burns down. “CHUTE”

2003 – We take out a loan and build my husbands recording studio, which is booming with business. “LADDER”

2004 – It floods. “CHUTE”

2010 – We’ve finally paid off our debt. “LADDER”

2010 – We’re being sued. “CHUTE”

But did we ever pack up the game and walk away? Nope. We kept rebuilding, kept going after our dreams even with the knowledge that although other “chutes” could be in our future, the winners circle was still up there.

So I told my son, “Wait a minute, why don’t you finish the game?”

He looked at me confused, “But I lost, Mommy”

I answered, “Just because one person makes it to the top first, doesn’t mean the rest of us are losers. You keep going.”

So he did, and bless his little heart, every time he got to the very top, he’d land on this one terrible chute that would take him right back to the beginning. And I’ll be damned if that didn’t happen four times in a row. It got to the point where he was laughing so hard when it happened, he fell over in his chair. It took him another half hour to finally make it to the winners circle, but boy oh boy was that a sweet moment. We jumped up and cheered. Isn’t that just like life?

In teaching my son this lesson today, I think I’m the one who really learned the value of never giving up. When I think of the times I’ve been so discouraged, the times I just knew that someone else had already done it better, faster, slicker than me, whatever it was, and I just wouldn’t try. All the times I packed up the game and walked away, because someone else had made it to the top first – they had written the better song, the brilliant book…I walked away from my own chance to win.

And that chance is still there for all of us. Some of us may take a long time to get there. We may be middle-aged, hell, we may even be old (Betty White’s comeback at 88? Helloooo!) but we can still have our day in the winners circle. And if we help each other, maybe we can avoid a few of those chutes and get there a little sooner.

**This piece was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Power of Positive