Beware the Joy Vampires

Vampires, vampires…they’re everywhere these days. I’m not talking about movies and make believe. I’m talking about the real ones. They don’t look like this guy. Oh no, they’re much scarier than that. 

They are stealth. 

Ninjas. 

They will sneak into your life disguised as friends and family members, and then when you least expect it- ZAP. You’re drained of all your joy and life energy, and you have no idea why or how it happened.

A vampire will suck all the joy out of a room before you know what’s hit you. Every time you see her, you leave feeling depressed and tired. You no longer want to share good news with him because it seems pointless. But go on a rampage about someone or something and the vampire taps right into that vein with you, until you both are spiraling downward. Beware…for if he bites you, you become like him.

Years ago, I had a friend*- well, I thought she was a friend because she was there during a dark period in my life. But as I got stronger and began pulling myself up out of the muck, she turned on me. I was so hurt and confused. My therapist said this to me: A true friend is not someone who only stands by you when you’re down, it’s someone who stands by you when you’re up.


This friend wanted me to wallow in misery with her. This friend didn't want to see me happy.

A true friend wants to see you at your best, is happy to see you strong. True friends celebrate their victories together. True friendship gives a symbiotic energy that both people benefit from.

Joy vampires thrive in fear. They don’t have the emotional courage to stand up for their own lives, so when they see your strength and happiness, they’ll want to suck it right out of you.

I used to want to save the Joy Vampires. They were so damaged and sad. I must not be alone in this sickness because our culture romanticizes vampires. But if my own Joy and Purpose were to survive, I had to think about self-preservation. What did I want my epitaph to read one day? How about this: 

“She lived an authentic life and spread joy in the world.”  

If I’m going to live that life, I have to guard my positive energy. If I allow Joy Vampires in, I won’t be able to do it. And I’m not just talking about them being in my life physically, I’m talking about allowing them space in my head as well - that is where they are most stealth. Vampires you haven’t seen in twenty years could still be sucking your life’s blood simply through your thoughts.

I have a personal remedy for ridding myself of vampires, and its simple, really.  I release them.

I’ve held vampires captive in my head through my own anger- an anger that sunk its hooks in and wouldn’t budge.  But here is the garlic, the stake through the heart, the silver bullet that finally worked: I wished them peace, healing, and I let them go.

I also added a ritual, because I’m a concrete thinker, and like to do something physically to make clear what I’m doing. I write the vampires names on a piece of paper. I hold the paper in against my heart and say a loving prayer, letting them go. Then I burn the paper in my fireplace, and watch the wisps of smoke go upward, out the chimney, away from me.

“I wish you peace, I wish you peace…” I say until the smoke is gone.

I need to do this from time to time, because, as I said, vampires are stealth. They’ll sneak in through an open window, riding on the tails of anger, through a crack in my armor. And once again, with love and peace, I send them packing.

No one comes into this life wanting to be an emotional vampire. They were bitten by someone else and didn’t know how to free themselves. I know they need peace and healing as much as I do. I also know it’s not my job to save them, and I’m no longer sitting around waiting for anyone to save me. I make the choice to save myself. I make the choice to live a good life, because maybe if I do that, maybe, just maybe, someone else will witness it, and want to step out of their own dark shadows.

* Because I've already had two friends call and ask who the above referenced friend is (be assured, it's none of you, my darling ones!) - I'll just say it was 16 years ago. This woman spiraled downward so far she sadly became an addict and overdosed. A very tragic story. Ultimately, she turned on herself. 

Calm in the Center of the Storm

Last week was a tumultuous one. A lot of dust kicked up in the Universe on so many levels, all of it coming at me like a firehose in the face. A friend asked me why I seemed so calm in the middle of it all (reiterate: seemed) , and I’ve really given that some thought. I felt like I was walking a tightrope, trying to breathe and find my center the whole time, and though I stayed calm, it wore me out. 

For the past twenty years, I’ve been on a long journey of healing my spirit. I’ve been through three therapists, workshops, seminars with Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Julia Cameron, healing through life story writing, intuitive healers, medical healers, and of course I have a closet full of self help books- three shelves piled high. I’ve read them all cover to cover, some of them twice. Through this journey, this is what I’ve learned.

Trust.

If I don’t trust myself, I’ll never trust anyone else.

Love.

When I don’t love myself, I’m not able to fully love anyone else.

Betrayal.

If I betray myself by not living true to who I am, I have betrayed others by presenting a false self.

Blame.

If deep inside I blame myself, I’ll catch myself projecting that blame onto others.

Judgment.

When I judge myself, I will end up judging others.

Patience.

When I am impatient, critical and demanding with myself, I’ll be the same with others.

Forgiveness.

When I haven’t forgiven myself, I’ll find it hard to forgive others.

So when I find myself in a place where I am not trusting, not loving, not being true to my heart, blaming others, judging others…That’s not anyone else’s problem. The only way to heal that is within me. I start by forgiving myself for being human, and reminding myself that we are all carrying the same demons. No one is on this Earth with the intent to bring me down. We are all doing the best we can in this school of life, and each of us is carrying a burden.

I remind myself to be kind and patient with others, starting with me.

The quote I’ve kept on my wall for this two-decade long journey is this:

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

-       Mahatma Ghandi

I have found this to be absolutely true. Living in that kind of integrity is the only thing that’s ever brought me peace. When I am unhappy, I know that one of the above tenets is out of alignment, and I work to center myself again.

It’s so simple, and yet so few of us live that way.

I put that quote where I can see it each day, and ask myself, am I living in spiritual alignment? When I am, I know it. I make better decisions, I trust myself, I’m not rocked off my center by what others say about me. I can retain my calm in the center of a storm. I feel at peace. When I am at peace, my family is at peace, and like ripples in a pond, it spreads outward.

Who says we can’t change the world? We can each start with ourselves.

I wish you all integrity…peace…happiness.

Have a wonderful week.

A Modern Day Miracle

Miracles do occur in this world, but because the media gets better ratings from fear-mongering, we rarely hear about them. That's why it's up to us, people like you and me, to spread the word.

The best gift I could give anyone this weekend is to share this phenomenal story with you. In 2006, Anita Moorjani was dying of cancer. Literally dying. All her organs had shut down, her emaciated body had swelled up with toxic fluids and she was in a coma. Her family was gathered around her, everyone experiencing terrible grief, but through it all, Anita was happy, for she was experiencing something that defies explanation- at least to our understanding here on Earth.

Anita left her body and went to a place of unconditional love, where she felt her connection to all of humanity, and while there, she learned that FEAR was what had dominated her life up until that point, and that FEAR in fact, was the cancer that was killing her.

Eventually she was told to go back to her body, and that with this new understanding and release of  fear, her cancer would be gone.

This is what happened. A dying woman, riddled with tumors the size of lemons up and down her spine, whose organs had all shut down, returned to perfect health within days. This has been investigated by numerous doctors. None of them can explain what they've witnessed.

One of the lessons Anita learned on the other side was this - Our only mission in life is to be our true selves. Not our "career" selves, or our "projected" selves, but who we really are deep in our hearts. If we do this, our life purpose will be clear. We don't have to pursue anything else in life but being our true selves. When we are authentic, everything we need will come to us.

Imagine that.

I urge you to watch this interview with Anita Moorjani. It's about the length of a TV show, so maybe ditch the reality shows today and watch this instead. Because maybe, just maybe, this is the true "reality".

Anita Moorjani Interview- Near Death Experience

Navigating Disaster

photo by Laura Hennessee

Everyone in the country is in a panic. The stock market is tanking, the pundits are screaming and yelling, people are losing their jobs and homes. Everyone is throwing the blame, but no one knows what to do. And so we, the public, are living in a state of fear – the worst state to ever be in. Decisions made from a place of fear are always the wrong ones. So let’s pull ourselves together, shall we?

First, let me assure you of this fact: All will be well.

How do I know? Well, I consider myself sort of a connoisseur of disaster. I’ve been trapped in a burning house, almost killed, bankrupted, abandoned by my family, betrayed by friends, lost everything, destitute, mugged, sued, threatened with violence, homeless. (And don’t even get me started on my childhood!) But guess what?  I’m still here.

I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years to get me through the panic attacks that used to plague me, and these are the tools I’ve learned for navigating disaster.

ACCEPT WHAT IS:

This world has existed for billions of years. All kinds of catastrophes have occurred and yet – the world still turns. The only thing we can be sure of in life is change. Everything is impermanent - the bad phases, and even the good. The more we try to clutch onto something to keep it the way it was, the more pain we cause ourselves.

Think of it this way: Life is a river, ever flowing, ever changing, a force all its own. You never step into the same river twice, and so it is with life. We can’t control the river, but we can learn how to navigate it. We can be dragged through it kicking and screaming, or accept it for what it is and follow the flow. Whatever is happening to cause you stress, remember: the tide will rise and fall, the sun will continue to rise every day, new life will spring up from devastation- that is the way of the world. Find your flow, and when it changes, find it again. Accept change. Accept it all for what it is.

STAY IN THE PRESENT:

I’ve seen Wayne Dyer speak several times. I remember being especially struck by this point. He said that if we stay in the present, 99% of the time, there is no problem. I mean, unless you are in this moment hanging from a cliff by your fingernails, which is unlikely. Most of our problems are in our heads, where we either lament about the past, or worry about what may possibly happen in the future. The majority of the time the things we worry about never come to pass. If we could stay in the right here, right now, we’d realize we are okay. Ask yourself this, right now at this very moment, are you in danger? If not, feel free to relax, and enjoy your day.

FOCUS ON WHAT IS GOOD:

Today, in this moment, we have food, a roof over our heads, and we definitely have internet access other wise you wouldn’t be reading this. There are people in your life who care about you, even if you don’t always feel it. The world is a place full of beauty and art and music and nature and heart-stopping wonder, and it’s all available to you. So how bad could it be?  Step out of the fear, and think about all that is right in your life. If you can’t see it, spend a day volunteering on Skid Row, serving the homeless. It’ll put things in perspective real quick. Sometimes I play this game with myself:  If I were alone on a desert island, what are all the things I would miss, all the things I would dream about?  I write it down. Try it. When you play that game, you realize just how much you have to be thankful for. Turn off the TV. Stop listening to the noise, and stay in the good place in your life.

DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY:

No matter what is happening in the stock market, in politics, at your job, don’t let it rob you of JOY. Find what brings you happiness, even the little things, and do that. Make no excuses. You need this. If you can afford a spa day, go for it, but joy doesn’t cost money. Take a bubble bath with candles, take a long walk in a beautiful place, sit under a tree and read an inspiring book, buy yourself a 64-pack of brand new Crayolas- lay on the floor and color, play your all-time favorite album, go to the beach. Even little things can bring great joy.

GET OUT OF DODGE:

If you can possibly afford it, take a break. Get out of town for a few days. Albert Einstein said, “You can not solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”   I know personally that I need to get out of my every day routine and environment to look at things differently. Even if I can’t afford it, the sanity and clarity are priceless. There are other places in life you can cut back financially. I’d rather eat potatoes for a week and get myself some much-needed perspective. If I can’t get away, even a day of walking on the beach can bring that perspective.

And finally, if you still can’t get out of your place of fear, try this…

WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

After our house burned down, I had an anxiety disorder that could send me reeling with a panic attack at the drop of a hat. My therapist used to play this game with me:

He’d say, “Okay, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I will lose everything, be penniless and homeless and have no credit.” (All of which did eventually happen, by the way)

“And then what?” he’d say.

“I guess I’ll…have to find a good job, and find a place to live.”

“And then what?”

“Well, I guess little by little…I’ll pay off my debt.”

“And then what?”

“I guess I’ll be okay.”

(and I was, and am.)

Play this game with a friend, with every possible worst-case scenario, and keep going until you’ve sorted it all out. The reality is never as bad as you make it out in your head.

So, America, let’s all just settle down and relax. As we know, it’s not the end of the world (that was supposed to be May 22^nd, and that didn’t happen either.) Look at the people of Japan. The absolute WORST has literally happened to them. And yet they are out there in the trenches with shovels, starting at square one, rebuilding their lives. The world is resilient, and so are we. Leave fear behind. Embrace your life.

And finally, I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

-author unknown