Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New Decade, New Beginnings



As I shed the remnants of 2010 like a bad virus, I am giddily optimistic about this new year, and in fact this whole decade. At the same time, I feel big changes shaking things up...the foundation beneath me trembling...
Everything is about to shift.

I'm ready.

I spent last night writing what I want from this year, what I want to see happen in my life in the coming decade. In doing this journaling and meditating, I saw a huge flaw in myself. I really need to work on feeling I "DESERVE" good things to happen to me. The problem is, I expect the bad things. They're like an old shoe. I know how to navigate trauma. But the good stuff- I don't trust it. It can be ripped out from under you at any moment.
You see? That's the problem. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop- expecting it in fact. When I think of those who have achieved their highest dreams, I'm sure they didn't share my negative thinking patterns.

And yet look at the love that surrounds me. Somehow I must believe enough in that, because I am truly surrounded by goodness and love. How did I learn to believe in love? To trust in love and the goodness of people, even when I was shown repeatedly that people could be cruel, and betray you? How did I end up in such a beautiful loving marriage, when I only saw destructive relationships growing up?

It may have been this. For years- after being betrayed again and again by my own family and "friends", I PRAYED and journaled and posted on my wall and my bathroom mirror that I deserved to be surrounded by like-minded, loving people, who loved me and treated me kindly. I don't know that I completely believed it at the time...but I prayed and wrote it anyway....over and over, until it finally came to pass. It is a miracle, a prayer answered, that we all have one another.

Also, years ago I wrote "I am now open to the possibility of all my wildest dreams coming true". I posted it on my mirror, looked at it every day. That year, at 39 years old, I found my biological father and three brothers.

I'm ready to set a course for myself, to start praying more for goodness, and training myself to believe in it. I told Troy last night I've not felt in control of my destiny at all for the last couple years. I've felt like a leaf drifting on the river, going wherever it took me, which was often over the edge of the rapids. I want to now learn how to navigate my own boat. I know I can't control the river, but I can set a course, and learn how to paddle.

I am excited to begin the journey. And I will pray for goodness, and write it even when I feel doubt, keeping myself on course for miracles.
Wanna come?

5 comments:

  1. Right there along with you girlie...sounds like the perfect plan. :-).

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  2. Love you Hollye and I am with you all the way. You are a wonderful person who deserves to believe you are all that and more.

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  3. Beautiful, Hollye. So glad to have met you through Denise and Erin. Well, we haven't actually met. But in reading your words, I feel like I kind of know you...Now. On to your journey toward good things...

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  4. Wow, Hollye, I felt like you were writing my own thoughts in this post (as I often do) -- I have been going through this exact journey (well, my own variation of it), and the "deserving" part has been by far the hardest obstacle. I'm getting there though. It's a slow but incredibly deep process!
    Love, Barbara

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  5. Hollye! You deserve everything you hope for.

    But I totally hear you on feeling unworthy! I'm just now realizing I deserve a small thing like a manicure. I think the ticket is to start small and realize that giving yourself a tiny thing shows you that you appreciate yourself. And then the bigger things you truly deserve will come.
    Try it! Go get a manicure today. I swear on it.

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I love hearing your point of view- thank you for taking the time to comment and be part of the conversation!
love,
Hollye