Friday, May 7, 2010

Trust Fall

I’ve always thought of my life as a wild, white water rafting trip. I spent most of my days merely trying to stay in the boat, but I hoped that as I grew older and wiser, I’d learn to navigate a little better, handle the rapids, and to, at all costs, avoid plunging over the edge. There were a lot of years where I think I was actually under the boat, being dragged along the bottom, over the rough river stones, almost drowning at times, but still hanging on mightily. (The funny thing is I’ve never actually been river rafting – too dangerous! And that is probably the grander metaphor for my life, but I digress.)
At times when my boat got too heavy and threatened to capsize, I had no choice but to throw a few things overboard, like old baggage and toxic relationships. This was next to impossible for me, because I’m ridiculously sentimental and loyal. There would be these energy vampires hanging on to the edge, and I would keep reaching out, until they finally cut my hand off with a machete. And even then, had they ever apologized, I would have reached out yet again, with my other hand of course. But they taught me the hard way how to let go.
I have even plunged over that edge a few times, and am still here to tell the tale. (Oh but I don’t really like to.)
But now…what a magic time. I am in this magnificent flow. I’m riding with the current, rather than struggling against it, and its actually carrying me so beautifully I barely have to paddle. I’m feeling inspired, writing every day, am surrounded by magnificent people who give me so much love and encouragement. I can finally relax on this journey, lay back and enjoy the scenery. Right?
Oh no no no. My neurosis compels me to analyze how I got here, what caused it to be, how long will I be here, when will it end? Rather than being in the moment, I want to lasso the moment, break it and ride it at will. But if I’ve learned anything in my years on this planet, it’s that the sweetest things come when you let go of the reins.
Yeah, you know that Trust Fall thing? I’ve never been so good at that. Surprises? Don’t like ‘em. I’d much rather have a plan, maybe even a detailed diagram of how it’s all going to play out.
These days I’m pep-talking myself every morning - Life is good. Go with it! Every time I start to stress, I say “Surrender Dorothy!
So this is me - learning that life can be beautiful. Let go and trust fall……(breathe…breathe…)
Here I goooooooooooooooo…………..

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