Navigating Disaster

It's election time, everybody, and you know what that means. The politicians and media are going to pump you full of fear;  Unemployment is soaring, Facebook stock just dropped by half. The pundits are screaming and yelling, people are losing their jobs and homes. Everyone is throwing the blame, but no one knows what to do. Forget red states and blue states, a state of fear is the worst state to live in. Decisions made from a place of fear are always the wrong ones. So let’s pull ourselves together, shall we?

First, let me assure you of this fact: All will be well.

How do I know?  I consider myself a connoisseur of disaster. I’ve been trapped in a burning house, bankrupted, abandoned by my family, betrayed, destitute, mugged, sued, threatened with violence, homeless. (And don’t even get me started on my childhood!) But guess what?  I’m happy.

I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years to get me through the panic attacks that used to plague me, and these are the tools I’ve learned for navigating disaster.

ACCEPT WHAT IS:

This world has existed for billions of years. All kinds of catastrophes have occurred and yet – the world still turns. The talking heads called JFK a socialist and communist and said he was destroying America, and guess what? We're still here. Yes, life will change and evolve.  Everything is impermanent - the bad phases, and even the good. The more we try to clutch onto something to keep it the way it was, the more pain we cause ourselves. Accepting life as it is will bring you peace. 

FIND YOUR FLOW:
Think of it this way: Life is a river, ever flowing, ever changing, a force all its own. You never step into the same river twice, and so it is with life. We can’t control the river, but we can learn how to navigate it. We can be dragged through it kicking and screaming, or follow the flow. Whatever is happening to cause you stress, remember: the tide will rise and fall, the sun will continue to rise every day, new life will spring up from devastation- that is the way of the world. Find your flow, and when it changes, find it again. 

STAY IN THE PRESENT:

Wayne Dyer said that if we stay in the present, 99% of the time, there is no problem. I mean, unless you are in this moment hanging from a cliff by your fingernails, which is unlikely. Most of our problems are in our heads, where we either lament about the past, or worry about what may possibly happen in the future. The majority of the time the things we worry about never come to pass. If we could stay in the right here, right now, we’d realize we are okay. Ask yourself this, right now at this very moment, are you in danger? If not, feel free to relax, and enjoy your day.

FOCUS ON THE GOOD:

The world is a place full of beauty and art and music and nature and heart-stopping wonder, and it’s all available to you. So how bad could it be?  Step out of fear, and make a list of the good things in your life. If you can’t see the good, spend a day volunteering on Skid Row, serving the homeless. That’ll put things in perspective. Or try playing this game:  If I were alone on a desert island, what are all the things I would miss?  Write it down. You’ll realize just how much you have to be thankful for.

DO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY:

No matter what is happening in the stock market, in politics, at your job, don’t let it rob you of JOY. Find what brings you happiness, even the little things, and do that. If you can afford a spa day, go for it, but joy doesn’t cost money. Take a bubble bath with candles, take a long walk in a beautiful place, sit under a tree and read an inspiring book, buy yourself a 64-pack of brand new Crayolas- lay on the floor and color, play your all-time favorite album, go to the beach. Even little things can bring great joy.

GET OUT OF DODGE:

If you can possibly afford it, get out of town for a few days. Albert Einstein said, “You can not solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”   I know personally that I need to get out of my every day routine and environment to look at things differently. If I can’t get away, even a day of walking on the beach can bring that perspective.

And finally, if you still can’t get out of your place of fear, try this…

WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

After our house burned down, I had anxiety attacks. My therapist used to play this game with me:

He’d say, “Okay, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I will lose everything, be penniless and homeless and have no credit.” (All of which did eventually happen, by the way)

“And then what?” he’d say.

“I guess I’ll…have to find a good job, and find a place to live.”

“And then what?”

“Well, I guess little by little…I’ll pay off my debt.”

“And then what?”

“I guess I’ll be okay.”

( I was, and I am.)

Play this game with a friend, with every possible worst-case scenario, and keep going until you’ve sorted it all out. The reality is never as bad as you make it out in your head.

Look at the people of Japan. After the tsunami and earthquake, they were out there in the trenches with shovels, starting at square one, rebuilding their lives. The world is resilient, and so are we. Leave fear behind. Embrace your life.

And finally, I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

-author unknown


Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. As for me- I'm getting out of Dodge!

Calm in the Center of the Storm

Last week was a tumultuous one. A lot of dust kicked up in the Universe on so many levels, all of it coming at me like a firehose in the face. A friend asked me why I seemed so calm in the middle of it all (reiterate: seemed) , and I’ve really given that some thought. I felt like I was walking a tightrope, trying to breathe and find my center the whole time, and though I stayed calm, it wore me out. 

For the past twenty years, I’ve been on a long journey of healing my spirit. I’ve been through three therapists, workshops, seminars with Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Julia Cameron, healing through life story writing, intuitive healers, medical healers, and of course I have a closet full of self help books- three shelves piled high. I’ve read them all cover to cover, some of them twice. Through this journey, this is what I’ve learned.

Trust.

If I don’t trust myself, I’ll never trust anyone else.

Love.

When I don’t love myself, I’m not able to fully love anyone else.

Betrayal.

If I betray myself by not living true to who I am, I have betrayed others by presenting a false self.

Blame.

If deep inside I blame myself, I’ll catch myself projecting that blame onto others.

Judgment.

When I judge myself, I will end up judging others.

Patience.

When I am impatient, critical and demanding with myself, I’ll be the same with others.

Forgiveness.

When I haven’t forgiven myself, I’ll find it hard to forgive others.

So when I find myself in a place where I am not trusting, not loving, not being true to my heart, blaming others, judging others…That’s not anyone else’s problem. The only way to heal that is within me. I start by forgiving myself for being human, and reminding myself that we are all carrying the same demons. No one is on this Earth with the intent to bring me down. We are all doing the best we can in this school of life, and each of us is carrying a burden.

I remind myself to be kind and patient with others, starting with me.

The quote I’ve kept on my wall for this two-decade long journey is this:

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

-       Mahatma Ghandi

I have found this to be absolutely true. Living in that kind of integrity is the only thing that’s ever brought me peace. When I am unhappy, I know that one of the above tenets is out of alignment, and I work to center myself again.

It’s so simple, and yet so few of us live that way.

I put that quote where I can see it each day, and ask myself, am I living in spiritual alignment? When I am, I know it. I make better decisions, I trust myself, I’m not rocked off my center by what others say about me. I can retain my calm in the center of a storm. I feel at peace. When I am at peace, my family is at peace, and like ripples in a pond, it spreads outward.

Who says we can’t change the world? We can each start with ourselves.

I wish you all integrity…peace…happiness.

Have a wonderful week.

Being True to You

Ophelia's art poster: http://www.zazzle.com/to_thine_own_self_be_true_poster-228306749335934814

Yesterday I watched an online discussion between Martha Beck and Oprah, following Oprah’s life class entitled “The Truth Will Set You Free”. This of course was of interest to me as my life’s work is centered in this issue.

Martha Beck had a spiritual experience while undergoing a surgery, and it changed they way she lived. She had been touched by a divine love, and the only way she could come close to experiencing that feeling again was to live in absolute truth. The alternative became too painful. She could no longer say yes when she meant no, or do work she didn’t believe in, or be in a relationship based on false selves.

This was the part of the conversation that riveted me. She said that if you are in a relationship in which you can not truly be yourself- meaning you can’t say what you really think or feel for fear of the other person rejecting you- then you are presenting a “false self” to the relationship, and therefore it is a “false relationship”. I could instantly flash on several relationships in my life past and present that fit that bill. And it made me wonder…If I’m not being myself so I won’t lose the relationship, but it’s a false relationship, then what am I really losing?

I can recall countless work or family functions I’ve attended where everyone forces a smile while simmering with resentment underneath. Or times I’ve said yes when I really meant no. And this is what I think shame really is. It’s when your actions are not in alignment with your heart. Shame is born in the moment that you betray yourself.

And yet most of us live this way.

So why do we do this? Why would we ever live a life that is not true? Why do we betray ourselves? Why do we say one thing and do another?

What do we gain by living this way? And more importantly, what do we lose?

The Challenge

Hello, just a quick note reporting in on my challenge to myself yesterday. If you are facebook friends with me, you know that I vowed to not say one negative thing all day. Well, let me tell ya, it was exactly that. A challenge. And it was an interesting exercise that I highly recommend, because you suddenly become aware of the words you let slip subconsciously throughout the day.

For instance I had to push the “reset” button quite a few times, but not when I was talking to others. It was mostly because I was grumbling to myself about things which offended me. Traffic, television, bad drivers, politics. Granted, this was an especially difficult time to take this challenge, considering the state of our country right now. And then at the end of the day, my husband had to talk about Rush Limbaugh saying Democrats are giving psycho serial killer Loughner their full support….It was like Kryptonite. I went off the charts, calling him an idiot, an evil person who cares about nothing more than ratings. I caught myself, then told Troy- “No fair bringing up Limbaugh when I am on a negativity fast!”

It’s interesting, though, to actually notice how many times negative words slip out, and I am a generally positive person. What power those words hold…and they’re just going in, coming out, like breathing…unnoticed. I have decided to pay close attention to the words that “slip out”. And luckily I have Evan who has current Kindergarten training, so he nails me constantly.

Me “I can’t open this stupid jar!”

Evan: “Mommy! Stupid is a bad word!”

Likewise every time I call something dumb, lame, or anything of the like, he is on it.

So, I am at least aware of it now. It’s not that I won’t call out injustices when I see them, or speak up against something that is clearly wrong. But I will just weigh my words more carefully. The next time there is a “stupid” commercial on, I’ll simply turn it off. The next time there is an “idiot” tailgating me, I will change lanes and breathe.

I had this quote taped on the front of my computer for years:

“When you judge someone, you do not define them. You simply define yourself as someone who needs to judge.” - Wayne Dyer

Realistically, we are all people who need to judge, because often we learn through others choices. Starting as children, we watch what others do, and decide what feels right or wrong for us. We see someone making bad choices in their lives, and we want to talk about them, criticize them, maybe to ensure we would never make the same mistakes. But another choice would be to simply say– that’s not for me, and remove ourselves from the situation.

It’s the energy and bad intent behind these judgments that’s making our country the Divided States of America. The problem feels so huge, so overwhelming. What can we do to make it better?

We can start with ourselves. Notice the words that slip out, and little by little, try to change.

Take the challenge! Try not to say a negative word all day, and watch what happens…