What I'm Giving Up

When I feel stuck in life, sometimes the simple act of letting go of old things, cleaning out a desk drawer, my closet, or my purse (which is a cry for help right now) can provide a feeling of relief. It seems to magically create a vacuum in my life, making room for new possibilities. But emotional clutter is another issue. 

All the self-help books tell us that the past does not define the future, the wake does not drive the boat, etc. But most of us hold on to things from the past, which keeps us rooted there. We don’t open that “drawer in our head” often enough, and soon we’ve got a jumbled head full of old beliefs and stories that no longer serve us. Or maybe that’s just me. Just like my closet, I need to do an inner purge now and then.

In order to make room for peace, harmony, and balance in my life, these are the things I’m giving up:

Resentment

If I’m feeling resentment, this means I’ve taken on too much, haven’t set limits or healthy boundaries, and now I’m frustrated with a situation I helped create. I can either accept the situation I’ve chosen and find gratitude for it, or I can change it and choose something different. I am gladly giving up resentment, and making room for gratitude.

My Old Story

I grew up the daughter of a convict and a single mom who worked nights in a bar, we used food stamps to buy our groceries and blah, blah, blah. I’ve already lived that story. It held me down long enough. I wrote the memoir. Wrote the essays. The story is over. I don’t want, nor need, to live it any longer. Buh-bye old story. I’m making room for a new story.

Feelings of Worthlessness

Those are going out along with the old story. Period.

I’m making room to step into my full value as a human being.

Shame

Co-authoring Dancing at the Shame Prom changed me in so many positive ways. It really helped me to shed a lot of that old shame. But shame is sneaky. It finds new and different ways to lurk into my psyche: money-shame, aging-shame, body-image shame. Once again, I'm kicking it to the curb, making room for self-acceptance.

Struggle

I have struggled a lot in my life. I’ve struggled financially. I’ve struggled for justice. I’ve struggled in family relationships. But recently, while teaching my son how to swim, I learned something. He was struggling in the water, exerting so much energy while going nowhere, eventually sinking. I kept telling him, “Just relax and let your body float. The water will support you.” And bingo- I made the connection. Stop struggling and float. Let the Universe support me. I’m letting go of struggle to make room for peace.

Writing helps a lot with emotional purging, which is why I’ve always kept a journal. But when writing it out isn’t enough, I pray. I pray for help in letting old beliefs go. Whether I believe in God (I do) or religion (not so much) doesn’t really matter. Words and intention hold great power. Simply stating that I want to give something up (on a daily basis) has changed me greatly.

I’m making room in my life for love, goodness, miracles, joy, and passion.

What are you willing to give up today? What are you making room for? I’d love to hear about it. 

 

Imagine the possibilities...

The War on Drugs, The War on Us

Yesterday, Whitney Houston was found dead in her bathtub at the Beverly Hills Hotel. On Thursday it was reported that she was behaving erratically, wearing mismatched clothes, doing handstands by the pool. I don’t think anyone is going to be surprised by the toxicology report.

Last week, Aaron and Nick Carter’s 25-year old sister died by an overdose of prescription drugs. Heath Ledger. Amy Winehouse. Michael Jackson. The list goes on and on…Most of us probably know someone who has died by “misuse” of prescription drugs.

Let’s think about that word.

Prescription.

Prescribed. By a doctor. The same doctors who are supposed to heal us are throwing drugs at our problems. You have pain? Oxycontin. Can’t sleep? Ambien. Can’t focus? Adderal. Depressed? Unhappy marriage? Issues with your mother? Unresolved childhood trauma? War memories? We’ve got a cornucopia of happy pills for those…

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS NOW CAUSE MORE DEATHS IN THE UNITED STATES THAN TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS.

I’m not against medicine. I’m against the way it’s being pushed on us by the pharma industry. I’m against my six year old growing up watching commercials for drugs every five minutes. I’m against the ease by which they are prescribed. I’m against the fact that Raegan started the JUST SAY NO campaign against illegal drugs, which gave the pharmaceutical industry a monopoly, eventually transforming us into a legal DRUG NATION.

38,000 reported deaths per year. Reported.

So yes, let’s mourn Whitney’s tragic death. Let’s have our moments of silence and prayers. And then let’s face reality, and ask ourselves what we can do to stop this epidemic.  It’s not going to stop until we, as a nation, change. We have to stop buying into it. Stop letting doctors push addictive drugs onto us. DO YOUR RESEARCH on drugs you are prescribed. If they are dangerously addictive, I have some advice for you.

Just say no.

Please.

Hollye and Amy Ferris discuss the finer points of BLURG

Hollye and Amy in tiaras.

SHA-SHA-SHA-SHAME

(from Amy Ferris)

Okay, so Hollye and I had our Monday morning with Hollye & Amy talk. Sort of like Tuesdays with Morrie, but ... not. And, as usual, we caught up with life and each other and ... talked about shame. Our shame, our Shame Prom facebook page, and our hot off the presses spanking new gorgeous website, and our anthology - THE SHAME PROM. Holy Batwoman! And we realized, found that we - Hollye and I - are somewhat ashamed that we're not getting enough traction and "likes" on our Shame Prom Facebook page. People are not lining up to watch our fabulously funny shame out-takes and videos on YouTube, folks are not lining up to like us. 


Luckily, I was still in bed, and could creep and crawl under the covers. I mean, here we are, two amazing women with unbelievable accomplishments not to mention husbands and friends, and we're trying to understand why folks are having an allergic reaction to our brilliant and LIFE CHANGING movement - the SHAME PROM movement. And then it happened, Hollye said five magical words: DANCING AT THE SHAME PROM... and in that moment, I pushed the covers off of me (okay, more figuratively than literally) and I smiled and I said to Hollye, God, that's brilliant. It feels so happy, celebratory. It feels less sad. Less tragic. And of course Hollye made it even sound sexy, and no longer scary. 


The thing is (and I will let Hollye continue this thought, idea, realization... epiphany) we want everyone to celebrate their shameful experiences. The one's that make us cringe. Crawl into a ball. Hide under the covers. Change our phone numbers. We want to share our stories, release the gunk, prove we're not alone in doing silly, stupid, hurtful, painful, and unbearable things. We want to open the doors - literally - and dance to the beat of our own - and others - bravery and courage. 

We're finding SHAME has a very bad reputation, not to mention a really bad rap. 

We want to change that. 

Okay, here's Hollye ...

Yep. We discovered that although we rejoice in the releasing of it, most people are repelled by the word  “Shame”. They don’t want to “Like” it, or watch You Tube videos about it, and GOOD GOD NO they don’t want to talk about it. The word alone carries a negative connotation. When someone said “Shame on you” it meant you were a BAD person who had done a BAD thing. Most of us have come to a point in our lives where we feel we are done with that bullshit. I know I am.

But shame is sneaky. 

It hid itself in the corners of my psyche, in the stories I didn’t tell. It lodged itself in my heart in the moment that I let someone else define me, or control me, or belittle me. It hung over me like a sad umbrella, keeping the sun away. And until I learned how to find it, it was keeping me small. Very small.

Our objective with this anthology is to RELEASE it, to sweep it out of the corners and shoo it away, and we want you to join us! We want to connect with you and share this glorious feeling.  But there’s that problem…that icky word.

Okay so how about we don’t call it shame. Let’s call it “blurg”.

I felt blurg in my childhood because my father was in prison, and because of things people did to me, and because I thought I was a mistake and didn’t belong anywhere.

I felt it as a young woman when I betrayed myself trying to gain someone else’s love, or when I shared my body with someone who did not value me.

So I wrote a book and got it all out and it changed me. And although I’ve more or less healed myself of the past shame, er, I mean, BLURG,  it still creeps up on me. I start to feel it when I chide myself for gaining five pounds, when I see the age in my face that society tells me is not acceptable, when I’m the only one at the dinner party who doesn’t get the intellectual reference because I’m a college dropout.

Yes, I feel BLURG.

Oh, that’s ridiculous. Let’s call it what it is - it’s SHAME. A universal emotion, just like fear, love, jealousy, desire. It’s what makes us human. It's what binds us. Connects us. Lifts us. Spurs us into action. 

(From Amy and Hollye)

Dancing at the Shame Prom was conceived and born out of courage, passion, compassion, joy, and self-awareness. It's not a place for wallowing in self-pity, or sorrow. Well, you can wallow for just a little bit, but we're grabbing your hand, and we're taking you out onto the dance floor, and we’re not letting BLURG hold any of us back any more. 

Care to dance with us?

*start small...tell us a tiny little story that you never tell. post it anonymously if you like. Go on...get it out. you'll feel better. Here's my story...

Being True to You

Ophelia's art poster: http://www.zazzle.com/to_thine_own_self_be_true_poster-228306749335934814

Yesterday I watched an online discussion between Martha Beck and Oprah, following Oprah’s life class entitled “The Truth Will Set You Free”. This of course was of interest to me as my life’s work is centered in this issue.

Martha Beck had a spiritual experience while undergoing a surgery, and it changed they way she lived. She had been touched by a divine love, and the only way she could come close to experiencing that feeling again was to live in absolute truth. The alternative became too painful. She could no longer say yes when she meant no, or do work she didn’t believe in, or be in a relationship based on false selves.

This was the part of the conversation that riveted me. She said that if you are in a relationship in which you can not truly be yourself- meaning you can’t say what you really think or feel for fear of the other person rejecting you- then you are presenting a “false self” to the relationship, and therefore it is a “false relationship”. I could instantly flash on several relationships in my life past and present that fit that bill. And it made me wonder…If I’m not being myself so I won’t lose the relationship, but it’s a false relationship, then what am I really losing?

I can recall countless work or family functions I’ve attended where everyone forces a smile while simmering with resentment underneath. Or times I’ve said yes when I really meant no. And this is what I think shame really is. It’s when your actions are not in alignment with your heart. Shame is born in the moment that you betray yourself.

And yet most of us live this way.

So why do we do this? Why would we ever live a life that is not true? Why do we betray ourselves? Why do we say one thing and do another?

What do we gain by living this way? And more importantly, what do we lose?

What is Shame?

image courtesy of  shamelessmag.com/

One of my favorite quotes by Julia Cameron is this: “Anger is meant to be acted upon, not acted out.” So simple, and so true.  This statement alone has helped me navigate so many difficult situations in my life. When I begin to feel angry about something, I think…wow, there is something I need to act upon here. My boundaries are being crossed, I’m hurt, I need to speak up and establish my boundaries clearly. If I don’t, I will carry that anger, and it will be projected onto people who don’t deserve it.

And so it is with shame. Shame, like every emotion we have, is there to send us a message. It is an emotion that initially that tells us “this isn’t right for me”. At times, it can be good for us- it acts as our conscience. We stole from the corner market, we feel ashamed (this isn’t right for me) and we don’t do it again. We’ve hurt someone unnecessarily, we bullied someone…we feel shame, act upon it ( apologize, discontinue the behavior) let it go, and move forward. When we act upon it, we are enlightened and changed by the experience. When we don’t, we either turn inward against ourselves, or project our shame onto others.

When we carry negative emotions like shame, fear, anger, regret, jealousy, the weight of it wears us down. It steals our joy, sabotages relationships, even weakens our immune system. When held inside, each of these emotions picks up a partner. Fear’s partner is paralysis. Anger’s partners are suppression and rage. Regret’s partner is worthlessness. Jealousy’s partner is criticism (of self and others). And Shame’s partner is silence. It is miraculous how your life can shift by letting go of that “partner”.

Letting go of Shame’s partner is as simple as breaking the silence. 

It is the carrying of Shame that Amy Ferris and I would like to eradicate from this planet, through sharing stories in our anthology The Shame Prom, and in our workshops.

Dancing at the Shame Prom Website

Announcing The Shame Prom Workshops

Get out the champagne- this is a LAUNCH!

I am so thrilled to be stepping into this new journey of my life, launching Dancing at The Shame Prom, which is not only an anthology (Seal Press, 2012) but is sure to be a movement. Amy Ferris and I have helped each other to write honestly, we've joined hands exposing our secrets and fears to the world. We found that it's much easier to do when someone is holding your hand.  The world has since rewarded us in more ways than we ever could have imagined. Now we are determined to help others free themselves of the baggage of carrying shame silently. We want to hold your hand now, and help you let go of what's holding you back from living FREE and uninhibited. 


We have a new facebook page which we'd love you to "like".  Every day on this page we will inspire, inform, and celebrate.
Shame Prom facebook page


Tracy Thomas, the brilliant co-founder of iPinion Syndicate ( and the builder of that savvy website) is now building us an interactive website where women and men from all over the world can meet, become friends, and share their stories. We'll also feature videos and essays from our Shame Prom authors, plus from some other writers who we think are pretty darn fantastic. Set to launch mid September. 


And now, Amy and I will be travelling, leading Shame Prom workshops all over the world. First stop, Los Angeles on October 16th. November,  we'll be at Pages and Places Book Festival, and then February 16-19, San Miguel Writer's Conference in Mexico. 


Here's the scoop-


OCTOBER 16, Los Angeles
You're invited to join us at a private artist's residence in Los Angeles for this intimate workshop. We will wear our Shame tiara's and share our stories. Led by Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter, this will be a PROM like you've never experienced, filled with creativity, writing, sharing, good food, tears and laughter, and chocolate.  Whose afraid of shame? We're going to let it RIP, and then, let it R.I.P. Are you ready to shed the old Prom Dress of Shame and celebrate with us?
$200 for the day includes lunch, 5 hour workshop, and a goodie bag. 
$175 if you register before October 5th.
Dancing at the Shame Prom Website


FEBRUARY 16-19, 2012
San Miguel Writer's Conference
Amy and Hollye will be leading several workshops, including an intensive five hour Writing/Righting Your Shame workshop.
Also featured at this conference: Laura Davis, Margaret Atwood, Joy Harjo, Naomi Wolf and many more.
San Miguel Writer's Conference

WHAT IS A SHAME PROM WORKSHOP?
It started as a dialogue between two great girl friends, and then it turned into a collaborative blog. Hollye Dexter & Amy Ferris shared their SHAME stories - the one's they've kept hidden in the dark - for the whole world (well, their world anyway) to read & see. Amy & Hollye coined it THE SHAME PROM and invited everyone to the dance. The response was unbelievable, huge. MASSIVE. Turns out, EVERYONE has a shame story; funny, sad, poignant, miraculous, life changing, jaw-dropping and holy moly universe moving stories. Hmm, they thought... let's see if we can get some of the best writers in the world (well, their literary world) to contribute to this PROM ... and lo and behold, 25 extraordinary WOMEN (writers, musicians, directors, activists, journalists, authors, artists) said YES to SHAME! An anthology was born, and SEAL PRESS bought it. And now we bring you: THE SHAME PROM WORKSHOP, where EVERYONE gets to share their story, write their life, release their limited beliefs and yes, dance the night away.

The Shame Prom

Shame is a ball and chain around your soul that keeps you from living an authentic life. When you keep it buried deep inside you, it saps your energy, steals your joy.

Amy Ferris and I have been talking a lot about this, and decided this is the year we release ours. We decided it would be a bit less scary to write about it together, you know- hold hands and jump off the cliff Thelma and Louise-style (but we expect a much better outcome). She said “What if we call it our shame prom?” I knew right where she was going.

Yes, I said, a shame prom. Let’s parade it out in public, dance it around on our arm. Let’s take awkward pictures with it. But afterward, let’s not roll around in the backseat making out with it any more. Let’s break up with it.

So here is my shame:

Inside, I feel like a colossal failure. A total loser.

Where this affects me the most is in my career.

There were many years I worked in the corporate world, and earned good money. I even carried the financial burden while Troy built up his music career. But after that …it’s a joke. Not that I haven’t been doing things, or having a career. I ran my own nonprofit organization for seven years, and it was successful. But I didn’t get paid. I’ve worked as a singer for almost 20 years, but if I lived on that income alone I’d be on welfare. My albums were a total loss. I had a clothing business that built up to some national success, but… it burned down and I went bankrupt.

So why am I such a terrible earner? I had a realization the other day, talking to my neighbor. She makes beautiful handmade quilts, and now that she’s out of a job, she was thinking of selling them but felt kind of awkward about it, at which point I gave her this advice:

“Why should you feel bad about selling them? Money is just a symbol of gratitude, one that says I value your work. Why shouldn’t you let others value the work you do?”

And of course I caught myself. Hellooooo??? Look who’s talkin’!

I realized that, dammit, no matter how much work I’ve done on myself, there is this message so deeply imprinted in me that I am not valuable. It started with the fact that I was an unwanted pregnancy and without going into detail let’s just say my childhood experiences continued to validate that feeling. I absorbed and believed it before I was old enough to even understand it. I know better now. I know I have value to add to the world, but I haven’t been able to shake that tattoo on my soul-“Unwanted”.

So no, I am not surprised that my book hasn’t sold, that I have no gigs booked for this year. If I don’t see myself as valuable, how will anyone else? I am truly embarrassed that I am this way. I want to be better.

It’s time for me to redesign that soul tattoo. I have no idea how, but I thought admitting this defect would help me to see that maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe we can all figure this out together.

The love from my husband, children and friends has healed me in so many ways, but I still have much work to do on myself. It will most likely be a lifelong project, correcting what was broken in my foundation. I’m going to start by praying about it, and reaffirming the good things in my life, and giving myself some credit for the valuable things I’ve done. That’s a start.

Like my real prom, I’d like to leave the Shame prom in my rearview mirror.

(Here is AMY FERRIS' story)

Shame, shame, shame. (Sounds just like an Aretha Franklin song doesn't it?)

I'm wearing it on my sleeve, right next to my lovely floral corsage.

I am carrying the shame of believing, "It's all my fault, I did something wrong, so I deserve this sadness and pain and suffering. And I have to make it better. And I need to apologize for whatever it is I did that made someone angry, bitter, hateful, mean."

THIS IS MY DEEP SHAME.

This (incorrect) belief system originated many, many years ago, when I would come home from a friend's house, or school and I would be crying because my friend and I had a fight, or something happened in school, and I would be sobbing and my mother would say: "Amy, what did YOU do?" And of course, I would immediately feel smaller, sadder, less than. Invisible. Unimportant. Discarded. I would feel horrible. It was my fault. And of course I would feel as if nothing I did was good enough or worthy. So i was always trying to fix the problem. Always. I always felt i had to fix something, make something better, mend it, repair it. Apologize. And I would do whatever i could to make it better, to make it right, because I believed it was my fault.

And, I never, ever felt better. I just felt more invisible and powerless. I felt completely and utterly unimportant. And good god, if I didn't do something to make it better, I would be alone. That scared me to death. Being left behind, forgotten. Holy shit, did that scare me.

And now that feeling, that "OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO?", is rearing it's god awful, guilty, fearful ugly head again. It has a lot to do with the loss of my relationship with my brother, and the loss of the spiritual, or more truthfully, "Religious" organization i belonged to for many, many, many (35) years. The feeling of I need to do something, fix something, mend something, make it better. Repair it. MAKE. IT. WORK. MAKE. IT. BETTER. MAKE. IT. RIGHT.

But the other much more enlightened piece of me, another part of me says: STOP IT. Not your fault. There are many sides. It's not just you. You were mistreated, betrayed, treated badly. Discarded. STOP IT. YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX THIS, OR MAKE THIS BETTER. You don't need this person's love, approval, acceptance.

It's hard - excruciating - for me to see that, accept that, to understand and believe that 'truth.'

And so there in lies the battle.

And trust me, it is a huge battle. An internal battle. I can feel it right in my soul, in my solar plexis. I can. And in that battle is a whole lot of shit: guilt, fear, self-doubt, retreating, self-criticism, pain.

SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.

But... I'm pretty sure this is the moment where i get to let go of that god awful misguided pain and incorrect belief system that began in that little girl, (and grew up in this woman) who believed that everything bad that happened was her doing, her fault, her problem to solve.

The old me: the one who feels that she has to make it better, APOLOGIZE, shrink. Ask for forgiveness. It's all her fault. The one who seeks approval, needs permission.

The new me: the one who feels it's time to move on, let go, FORGIVE MYSELF, be big, release the guilt and doubt and self-defeat. To save my own life. To take responsibility for my life. To take charge. To stop looking for permission.

And yes, it's easier said than done. Much fucking easier. After all, it took years to get here.

But I know it's the right time to be here. At this place. At this 'Shame Prom,' it's time to stop the self-slander, the self doubt. The self-loathing, and yes, it's time to let the flower on the corsage bloom, and let the "shame bud" die out.