What a Wonderful World

(Julie, Joel Burns and me backstage at the Ellen show)

I had an incredible experience yesterday - living proof that when you tell the truth, life rewards you in ways you couldn’t have imagined. Thanks to my angel friends Julie and Mary, I got to attend the taping of the Ellen show featuring councilman Joel Burns. If you aren’t familiar with this gentleman, he is the one who gave a moving speech at his City Council meeting in Fortworth Texas about being bullied as a gay teen, and how that almost led him to end his life. The You Tube video has had close to 2 million hits.

The Ellen staff is such a beautiful mixture of gay, straight, young, old, black, white, asian, hispanic…everyone wearing sneakers and baseball caps of their favorite teams. Backstage, as they hustled about getting ready for the show, I was amazed at the happy, relaxed atmosphere which I thought was impossible in TV-land. It just felt so comfortable. No one was stressed or panicked. We were greeted with smiles everywhere we turned (and I attribute that to Mary- completely). But what made my heart swell was the realization that this staff was a microcosm of what the world could be like, and it gave me hope.

Julie and I settled in the audience to watch the show (which I hope you’ll all watch today!). When Ellen stepped out, the audience went wild cheering for her, and I got teary (and the “teariness” never stopped the rest of the day). Imagine twenty, or even ten years ago – this openly gay woman being so beloved and one of the biggest stars in the world. You could feel that love in the room, and my heart was so lifted as I thought to myself We are evolving, finally. Yes, we are evolving.

Joel Burns was inspiring beyond measure. It took such tremendous courage to speak his truth the way he did, and in doing so, he has opened hearts and minds everywhere. He was poised and articulate, speaking from his own heart with such self-assuredness.

After the show, Julie and I rushed backstage to meet him, catching him just as he was leaving with his mother, a lovely Southern lady. He was such a warm and genuine man (and so handsome!). Both Julie and I got choked up as we told him what his courage meant to us, and he responded with warm hugs. He told us he simply felt inspired to make the speech that day, having no idea that it would turn into an internet sensation. In fact, he was stunned by the reaction. His phone line blew up and the city had to install a new system, as they were averaging a call a minute since the video posted.

We then went with him to meet Charles Robbins (CEO of the Trevor Project) another wonderful (and handsome!) man. Charles said the suicide hotlines at Trevor Project have been so busy since the video, they’ve had to expand their staff. Countless lives have been saved all over the world as a result of one man’s courageous, honest speech. Can you imagine? Even as a writer I’m finding it difficult to express what I felt in that moment talking to these trailblazers in tolerance. Almost like I had been holding my breath for so long and could finally exhale, knowing that my brothers and my friends might possibly be the last generation to have endured this form of bigotry, and knowing also that as of today my friend Brian could re-enlist in the military if he so chose. The tide is turning, just as I always believed it would.

Driving home under gloomy gray skies, I was smiling ear to ear. I felt the Universe was giving us all a great big nod- yep, you’re on the right track, people. The rain pelted my windshield, cleansing the world, washing away the pain and prejudice of yesterday. And I realized that this day happened for me largely because I dared to tell my truth when I wrote the blog “For Boys and Girls Standing on Ledges”, admitting my own struggles with suicidal depression as a young person. This was what made Julie think of me when she got an extra pass to this show.

What a wonderful world it would be if we all dared to tell and LIVE our truth. If we followed Joel’s lead, to be honest about who we really are, the fears we harbor, the shame we carry. In telling the truth, we find out how much we’re all alike. Secrets and shame no longer hold any power over us. Without fear – only love remains.

Imagine what would happen if we could:

Replace fear with love.

Rejoice in our commonalities.

Celebrate our differences.

Turn toward each other when we are afraid, rather than against each other.

Oh what a wonderful world it would – (scratch that) will - be.

For Boys and Girls Standing on Ledges

(Dedicated to my brother Ted. I love you!)

This month we’ve lost too many young people to suicide. They have surrendered their lives over simple acts of cruelty. My stomach is churning over this, not only because of the tragedy itself, but because my brother who I love so much is distraught over it. He too was bullied as a teen, simply for being who he was, a young gay man. I can’t for the life of me understand this form of bigotry, and can only surmise that it’s ignorance at its most elevated form, because if you knew my brother Ted, or my youngest brother Caleb, or my best friends Erin and Beth and their son Ben, or Julie and Mary and their daughter Sarah, or Tobias and Michael whose marriage has lasted longer than most straight couples I know, or Richard and Nico, or Michelle and Cary or Christina and Iliana …I could go on and on, there is no way you could feel that fear or hate. These are some of the most loving, giving, family-oriented people I’ve ever known.

But oh…we lowly humans, it is our caveman nature to fear what we don’t understand, and to hate what we fear. Fear spreads the hate that drives people to ledges.

And it’s not just gays. The bullying spans to anyone who is different from the herd. Too many teenage girls, too many young boys are gone now, victims of bullying. Thankfully there has been a real public outcry over these tragedies as we are all moved by these senseless losses. But some of us are more than moved, we are rocked to our cores, because we were those boys and girls standing on ledges who lived to tell the tale.

I was once one of those girls. More than once, actually. I think for some of us, we grew up with a feeling that we weren’t supposed to be here. When we began to believe, or were told, that something was defective in us, it started a hairline fracture right through the foundation of who we were. We could spend our lives trying to belong but all it takes is one act of cruelty to break us wide open. Those of us with the defective foundations…we’re like the weak gazelle in the herd. Easy prey for hateful people, because we accept the hatred they project onto us. We believe in it, even feel we deserve it. I was lucky. There was always one random person who showed up and lifted me back to my feet with love and kindness. That’s what saved me.

But when you’re young, you don’t yet know that this is only a chapter. You can’t imagine all the beauty that lies ahead, how strong you will be one day. You don’t yet understand that the hate directed at you is only a bully’s own self-hatred projected outward, that it really has nothing to do with you.

This is a crazy time in the world. It feels like the planets are spinning out of control and all we can do is hold on. Bigotry and racism, political rage, road rage and just plain rage are all on the rise. We are losing control, and so we get crazy with fear. Fear is what makes us hateful and cruel and destructive. FEAR is what destroys our souls. We have to rise above this, and teach our young people to do the same.

Where to begin? We can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. Starting with myself, I will be a voice of tolerance. And in my own heart, I vow to replace fear with love.

REPLACE FEAR WITH LOVE.

Like my friend Amy Ferris who gave a beautiful speech about tolerance in her town this weekend, we can all speak up in our own ways. If you can’t stand up and give a speech, then just stand for love in your own home. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that matter. Reach out, make a phone call, offer a smile, do something kind for someone today. You never know - your hand reaching out could be the one that just pulled someone in from a ledge.

I envision a world where we all coexist peacefully, a world where my brothers are safe, a world where there are no boys and girls standing on ledges….

It’s not so far fetched. It could be a reality.

FEAR cannot exist where LOVE resides.

Please. Spread the word.

The word is LOVE.