2013- My Greatest Teacher

Just after Christmas, as I was cleaning my room and desk, I found a sealed envelope in which I had written my prayers for the year. When I opened it, I was astounded:

Though I had all but forgotten this written prayer,  it had been answered. Maybe not in exactly the way I expected, but answered nonetheless.
I was able to do the work of my soul. Though my book has not (yet) sold, in the wake of Newtown, I worked for gun reform all year. I never saw that coming, and yet it was the most important work I could do - and had to do.

My family was blessed with good health, Stitch is still with us, and we have peace and resolution.

And this, the answered prayer I didn't think was possible : my grandson Ayumu and daughter-in-law Aya came home from Japan. They moved back in with us. Ayumu enrolled in preschool and learned to speak English and ride a bike and fly on his scooter alongside Evan. My daughter-in-law excelled in school and got her green card. This was beyond a dream come true.

At the same time, this year my career fell apart. I now had two little kids to take care of, and as they adjusted to this new living situation, there was a lot of love/hate. Lots of slammed doors and yelling and making up. My days were filled with time-outs and potty-training and driving to and from two schools. Between them and my activist work, I had no time to write, or do much of anything else, but at least I had work coming up. And then all the work I had booked for the summer began to cancel...boom, boom, boom like dominoes falling, until everything was gone. And with Aya and Ayumu returning home, we had two more mouths to feed. I started hustling, sending out hundreds of resumes, sending my new book out hoping to sell it- and nothing. I was crushed. Scared. Broke.  Though Troy was working 6 to 7 days a week, our bills had doubled and soon we were upside down financially. Our ship was sinking.

There were many fearful days I thought we wouldn't make it. I worried we would lose everything. We had to cut loose a few things just to stay afloat; mine and Troy's super-expensive health insurance and our home phone line were a few of the casualties of summer. I feared our house would be next. But what happened was that those times drove me to my knees, which was exactly where I needed to be.

I immersed myself in prayer and meditation. I prayed for courage and wisdom. I prayed for balance. I prayed to find my way out of fear and back to faith. My prayers (or thoughts, whatever works for your belief system) were once again answered. Stepping out of fear restored me, and though we still didn't have the money we needed to right our ship, I felt peace, and chose to believe that it would all work out.

When I focused on the lack and the problems, it only grew larger, looming over me every waking moment, keeping me up at night. But when I put my focus on gratitude, when I put my energy into faith, I slept. I felt happier. I breathed easier. And though the bills were piling up, I stayed present in the moment. I reminded myself: The lights were on. We had food in the cupboards, coffee brewing in the morning. In the present moment, we were okay.

So here we are at the end of the year. Thanks to Troy's hard work, our bills are getting paid down. We are stable. And in a few days, our family's new healthcare plan kicks in. Obamacare is saving us $700 a month- this is a life changer!

Winter came, miraculously, with an unexpected free trip with the kids to Vegas and Disneyworld (thanks Wilson Phillips), and then a free trip to Jamaica for my 50th birthday. Free! These were events I could not have possibly imagined six months ago. The year ended with my daughter getting her Masters degree in psychology, and a new job possibility for me.

Do I believe in the power of prayer? Hell, yeah.

I also believe deeply in the power of our thoughts, our intentions, and our words.

2013 was both my savior and my greatest adversary. But I know that every adversary is a great teacher.

Here is what 2013 taught me:

Everything eventually works out, somehow.
I am always okay.
Life regenerates after loss.
Fear and worry is a HUGE waste of time.
Asking for what I want from life, and believing I deserve it, is essential.
Daily gratitude is as important as oxygen.
Love heals everything. Period.

And the biggest lesson of all: No matter what each year may bring, there is always a gift. Always. 

In that spirit, I greatly anticipate 2014, and vow to embrace every moment. I will stay rooted in gratitude and love, be clear with my intentions and my words, and keep exercising that faith muscle.

I am grateful for the beautiful circle of people (all of you) that surround my life, and the love that holds me up. I hope to do the same for you.

Here's to a beautiful 2014. Let's embrace it- all of it.

You'll Find What You're Looking For

This morning, while meditating at the end of my yoga class, these words came to me, "You'll find what you're looking for." And at first I didn't get it, because I wasn't actively "looking" for anything right at that moment, except peace. But as I ruminated on it, I realized these words are true. I have always found what I'm looking for.

When I approach my day looking for beauty, I find it everywhere. Likewise, when I walk into the world expecting trouble, rude people, traffic...I generally find it.

 This rule applies to all of us.

If you look for grace and kindness, you will find it
If you look for conflict and trouble, you will find it.

If you look for goodness in a person, you will find it.
If you look for a reason to be disappointed, you will find it.

If you believe that work is hard and grueling, you will find that it is.
If you believe that work is a blessing and a godsend, you will find that it is.

If you believe the world has shortchanged you, you will find that it has.
If you believe that the world is abundant and plentiful, you will find that it is.

When we fight and engage in conflict with others, it's because that's what we were looking for.
When we find ourselves surrounded by love, that's what we were looking for.

So as I was driving home, these thoughts were swirling about in my head : Why don't we stop looking for reasons to defend ourselves, and start looking for beauty in the world?
Why not look for goodness in others?
For reasons to be grateful?
For peace?

And this song came on the radio:
It's Christmastime; there's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
But say a prayer to pray for the other ones
At Christmastime

And at that moment in front of me was a car with the world's best bumper sticker:

"God Bless The Whole World. No Exceptions."

I'm always looking for meaning, even in the smallest moments.
In that moment, I found what I was looking for.
 

Reclaiming Joy IV: Standing in My Own Shoes

Recently while hiking in the mountains, my friend Terrah and I sat on a rock in the middle of a silent canyon and had a long talk. Both of us had gotten to a “stuck” place in life, and we wanted to bust out. I was telling her about a book I’d been reading (E Squared) where author Pam Groust likens life to a skyscraper. Most of us, she says, are living on the second floor, while everything we desire is on the 17^th. But we’ve never seen the 17^th floor, therefore we don’t believe it exists. We also don’t see electricity, but we don’t hesitate to turn on a light. We believe the light will be there, and it is. So, I was telling Terrah, I have to get to the 17^th floor.

“It’s not about getting to the 17^th floor,” Terrah said, “it’s about living there.” She explained to me that she teaches her acting students to “inhabit” the person they want to be in ten years --walk as that person, talk as that person, LIVE as that person.  I was mesmerized- what a concept.

Later I talked with Troy about this. We’ve been hit with some pretty big financial setbacks this year, and it’s had us feeling beat down and defeated. So I told him what Terrah had to say about it, “How about we start inhabiting the selves we want to be, right now? How about we live on the 17^th floor?”

He said he loved it, and talked about who he wanted to be in the future.

I said, “I think who you are now is pretty great.”

He said, “The guy I want to be is not worried about money, spending all day writing a song about a hayride.” And this goes to show you, it’s all in one’s perspective. I saw him as a success and he was feeling like a failure.

“But…the way I see it, you are greatly successful!”

“Tell that to the mortgage company,” he said.

“But you write music that educates children, and helps autistic kids. You just played a Wilson Phillips gig in front of 8000 people and opened for Brian freeking Wilson. Why not inhabit the person you are now?”

And of course he very sweetly pointed out that I could take my own advice.

Ultimately we decided that while striving to inhabit our better ourselves, we would be happy for what we’ve been able to accomplish so far in our lives, and stand solid in our own shoes.

I mean, if you really stop to think about it, just look at the things we’ve all accomplished in our lives. You, me, all of us. So many of us have raised kids, taken care of a sick friend, survived cancer, built a successful career, traveled, rescued an animal, been courageous beyond our wild imaginings…We are teachers, friends, mentors, activists. Why don’t we give ourselves credit? Why don’t we stand tall in our own shoes instead of wishing we were in someone else’s? I think change comes when we take note of the things we’ve done,  reminding ourselves daily that we are better than we know. Rather than ignore our past successes, we can use them as touchstones to build future success.

So Troy had a gig in Vegas over the weekend. I tagged along with Evan and Ayumu and we made a crazy road trip out of it. We kept ourselves in a good mental space all weekend, and in spite of a few colossal challenges, we stood steady in our own shoes. We walked a little taller and felt a lot stronger. And when we got home late Sunday night, there was a box on the porch. We rushed inside to open it were shocked to find that Troy had won an award (proving my point that who he is now is indeed pretty great- thank you very much.)

It was a Telly Award for his compositions on the ABCMouse website. (Other recipients have included ESPN, OWN, Discovery Channel and many more.) This came completely out of left field. We didn’t even know he was in the running.

But this is the beauty of claiming who you are. Troy stood tall in his own shoes and the Universe met him there. I am ridiculously proud of him. For starters, I’m going to send this picture to the mortgage company. 

Troy Dexter: "Award-winning composer"  Yay!

*And thanks to Terrah Bennett Smith for starting a great conversation that had a domino effect...

Living In Possibility

It’s day four of my personally declared miracle week. So far, so good. I managed to fight off getting sick (with good thoughts and prayers) and have had a few "possibilities" come up, which have yet to materialize, but I have faith. Yes I do.

Yesterday I read a short article on Cheryl Richardson’s website about manifesting the desires of your heart. She told a story about taking a walk on the beach with a friend, and she declared, “I’m going to find a perfect sand dollar today.” She’d only found a few in her whole life, but that day- she would find one. An hour later, sure enough she did. Her friend was quite impressed. She then declared she’d find another for her friend, and…she did. The point of the story was – decide what it is you really want, and then set your intent on it.

Reading this, I smiled to myself, remembering how a girlfriend and I used to do something similar. We had this favorite thrift store we’d frequent in a busy part of L.A. where the parking was impossible. Every time we’d drive to the shop, we’d spend the whole twenty minute ride chanting PARKING SPACE, PARKING SPACE…and sure enough, we’d always get one right in front of the store. We didn’t think much of it. It was just our silly ritual, a superstition at best. But now I’m really pondering. Why would I put so much intent and energy into something little like that, but not put that same attention onto the things I really want in life - things I want much, much more than a parking space?

Am I afraid of asking for too much? Am I afraid that maybe the Universe is a limited place and there’s only so much goodness to go around (even though I absolutely know that’s not true)? Is there something in me that feels I don’t deserve abundance and rewarding work?

Maybe I don’t want to bother God with my petty requests when there are so many others who need help more than me. But I’m struggling this year. Really struggling on every level, and I want to be happy again. I want to be happy, peaceful, healthy and free from financial worry. I want to make a good living with the writing and music that I do.

So maybe I need to reinstate the PARKING SPACE chant, but this time redirect my intent.

HEALTH

FINANCIAL ABUNDANCE

PEACE IN MY HEART

PEACE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

HARMONY WITH ALL THOSE AROUND ME

ABUNDANT WORK AND OPPORTUNITY

But, unlike the parking chant, maybe I need to say it for more than twenty minutes. Maybe I need to say it, and pray it, every single day. Every single day. And see what happens…